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Revelation 23: Revenge of the Demon 2000 years ago, Christianity was founded, in a time before mass communication and mass information were widespread. It was fair to assume that a giant sky man was running everything from his secret base up in the clouds. Back in those days it was harder to receive any kind of scientific information due to the lack of the right technology, but over the next two millennia people still believed this in this sky man and even had huge crusades and wars over the little details like whether or not he said only one place could read his book or everyone could. A ridiculous series of violence that still continued to the present day. By this point, the idea of Atheism; the belief that there was no God, no Satan, no Allah or Angels or Demons or Jesus or Muhammad or anything like that, had become a popular thing with over a billion people had given up these beliefs, many calling them "children's tales" and "nonsense". Little did they know that they had been wrong about the whole thing. Everything is real, everything the humans had faith in, and so much more beyond that. * In heaven, God had been under a lot of stress. He'd been getting constant updates about everything happening, the population boom had meant he was getting hundreds of millions of prayers a day as opposed to the few thousand he was getting when he wrote the New Testament. He couldn't answer to all of them but thankfully a good majority of people who prayed to him automatically think their prayer was answered. He did try to answer as many as he could though, that and dealing with his galactic marketing scheme to bring his beliefs onto other species meant he wasn't able to visit the human world very much since he sent Jesus down there and had set up the starting date for the Georgian calendar. Nowadays god spent most of his time interacting with a species that called themselves 'Kamili'. He'd been trying to convince them he was the truth for nearly 500 years now but they still wouldn't budge. They were very firm on their beliefs which were in a deitiy called 'Yin' who was apparently the matter of the universe that compressed itself into forming a huge planet-like formation called 'Maltyna' which exploded, making all the planets and stars in the debris, the stars were part of Maltyna's giant molten core and the planets and asteroids and comets were made of a thin surface layer. Some Kamili thought there was an ancient race that lived on Maltyna that died in the explosion. After failing multiple times to get their faith in him, god began tweaking parts of his stories to fit their belief. He claimed the explosion was caused by a war between two species that lived on Maltyna called Angels and Demons and that god saved them both. He couldn't even perform a miracle to convince them since the Kamili were capable of something they called 'Mepisium Control' when translated into modern English. Mepisium control was essentially a biological ability to manipulate sub-atomic particles, forming new elements or general movement. This allowed for telepathy and Equivalent Exchange conversion. So nothing god did really impressed them. At the moment, god was sitting in his almost comically oversized chair, leaning on his arm thinking. Something had to be done about the issue with the Kamili, and the humans who were rapidly losing faith in him. Why oh why had he tried Freedom of thought? He'd tried clamping down on that with the 10 commandments but by that point it was already too late, human biology was set in stone now and there was nothing god could do without a complete universal overhaul which he just didn't have the patience for. Jesus came up to him and sat besides him. "So, what are you doing?" he asked. "Not much," god said "those Kamili are a pain in the ass. They're always so bloody skeptical about everything." "At least they're not nailing you to a cross." Jesus said angrily. "Oh come on Jesus, don't be like that. How was I supposed to know they'd react like that?" "Because you know everything?" "Yeah, I know everything in the past and in the now. I'm not a fucking 8-ball." "Calm down Dad, I was only saying, well, you do know everything. What's the square root of 182.9215?" "13.5248475038." God said "See? And how old was Henry VIII when he executed Anne Boelyn?" "44 years, 6 months, and 21 days." "So how can you know that, yet not work out the romans who already didn't take kindly to Christians would take my word for anything?" "Come on son, I was young and stupid back then." "You're eternal. You don't get to be young and stupid, you never were young. You were just stupid." Jesus said "Anyway, you made any progress on the Kamili?" "Ha, I wish." God said "I split their largest sea, rose the waves a mile high and what do they do?" "What?" "I'll tell you what. They tell me to put the bloody sea back down! I'm doing a miracle you arseholes! I don't care if you can control sub-atomic particles you don't have the energy to split the sea a mile high!" God began to yell "And guess what else they did. They got pissy at me for killing some fish! Why do I even bother with them? I'd be better of doing a Noah's Ark style flood and clearing the lot." "Oh, I forgot to mention, "Jesus said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a slightly crumpled piece of paper. "Saint Peter told me to give this to you, you got a letter." God took it and went through it. His face getting more and more worried with each eye movement. "What does it say?" Jesus asked. After a long pause, god finally replied "Jesus, we need to get you back to life." "Wait, what? Why?" "Satan plans to steal your body from Jerusalem and resurrect you against your will in hell." God said blankly, his palms shaking. The letter dropped and floated through the clouds below. "Come on, quickly, we need to get you alive before he takes you." * 4th February 2002 – Area 51, Nevada, United States, Earth An innocent enough looking air strip in the middle of nowhere, yet because of how utterly shrouded in mystery it is it’s been the focus of everything from Aliens to government conspiracies to inter-dimensional travel. Yet there is one conspiracy that has been going around that nobody has connected to the air base, is it not a coincidence that the only conspiracy not linked to area 51 is the one that’s true? The Illuminati. An organisation created in the 1700’s by the great founding fathers of America, some think they died soon after in 1785, some think they never existed at all. While some, labelled as crazy tin foil hat wearers by many, believe the Illuminati is still out there, controlling everything. Funny how the crazy paranoid ones are correct. David Attinger had called a meeting with Satan to be held today at 5 o’ clock in the afternoon. He was sitting alone in the huge meeting room waiting for his guest to arrive. grown bored of his newspaper so called for a cup of tea to be delivered. Unlike the stereotype of a large black futuristic room. The real meeting room had a much more J.F.K look about it, that’s how most of Area 51 was. Mobile phones and cameras weren’t permitted on the premises, it would be a disaster if someone took pictures of the base. Because of this fear, no hints towards the Illuminati were present. Instead everything looked like the inside of the Pentagon, 50 years ago. The meeting room was carpeted and welcoming. A square wooden table in the centre with 12 chairs surrounding it. On the walls were the flags of the commonwealth on flag poles. The flags tucked away. On the wall behind Attinger were the flags of the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, The Russian Federation and in the centre was the stars and stripes itself. An assistant woman came in with Attinger’s tea, she put it on the desk and walked out without a word. He sipped it, it was a bit too milky for him. But he needed the boost and he couldn’t be bothered to wait for another cup to be made so he just dealt with it and took another sip. The telephone rang, Attinger picked it up. “Hello?” “Mr. Attinger.” Came a female voice “There’s a Mr. Sartan here to see you.” “Ahh yes, bring him into the meeting room. Get the commonwealth speakers in here too.” “Yes sir.” The phone went dead. Attinger put the phone back on the hook and leaned back in his chair, checking his suit. His fourth button down was undone, he quickly fastened it back together and did up his black tie. After a couple of minutes the wooden door opened and the assistant let a man in, he had a long nose and blonde hair. After the assistant closed the door the man put his hand to the nape of his neck. “Mr. Attinger, you may want to turn away.” He said with a thick French accent “What I’m about to do is mildly disturbing.” “Go right ahead, I’m not squeamish. I’ve seen far worse a thing in my day.” The man began to peel his face off from the back of his neck, his hair folding in under the skin. Slowly his real face was revealed. He was a scarred man, his face bright red and huge cut marks across his face. His eyes were blood red and his cornea was pitch black. He was bald with only a few wisps of long gray hair going down his sides. Around his mouth was a small black device that connected down his neck. He sat down on the opposite side from Attinger. “So shall we get this meeting underway?” He said in a much more robotic accent. “This is a very urgent time for me, my people need me and I don’t have time to sacrifice in meetings with pathetic human organisations.” “Trust me Satan,” Attinger said, holding his tea up “this will be absolutely worth your time.” The door opened again and the assistant let two men in. They found their seats and the assistant brought them both tea. One, Mr Henderson, looked about 90, more wrinkle than face. The other, some up-his-arse blonde young smart man rising up the job ladder, considering he was here and not in a McDonalds it was fair to say he wasn’t too far from the top. “Thank you ma’am.” Attinger said, ushering her out with a couple of flicks of his hand. She left slightly miffed at him for being a rude bastard. “Satan, I am pleased to introduce you to my two partners. Sir William Henderson and Mr. James Birling.” The two men shook hands with the Prince of Darkness, both felt a searing hot pain as they touched his skin. “Sorry about that. One of the curses him up there put on me.” “Alright” Birling said through gritted teeth shaking his hand violently “No worries, no worries at all.” “As I am sure you’re all aware, Satan and the IIA have been operating together on many operations throughout the years, from the mass-suicide of the British army during the war for independence to giving us an excuse to enter World War II through the harbour and most recently an reason to enter the middle east via the September 11 attacks not 6 months ago. All I can say is thank you for your assistance.” “That’s a given Mr. Attinger.” Satan said. “And now a deed is to be returned. Explain to the gentlemen what I need from you.” “Of course.” Attinger said. “Satan has filled me in on the basics of his mission, I have aided in streamlining the process. “ “Just get on with it” “Of course.” Attinger said. “As I was saying, through Satan’s intelligence, God has abandoned us. He’s moved on to other species after we grew to advanced to continue a belief in him. He gave up completely shortly after the industrial revolution. He is currently working with a species known as the Kamili, on an alien world some 20 light years away.” “Excuse me” Henderson interrupted. “Are you trying to tell me, that not only does God exist, but that aliens exist too?” “Yes I am Mr. Henderson.” Attinger said. “While it is fair to take the novelisations of the events 2000 years ago with a few grains of salt, the events portrayed are, to an extent, very real.” “So what does the Devil have to do with any of this?” “Hold your fucking horses Hender-bender.” Satan said. “He was getting to it. Don’t worry, you may be ancient, but you’ll live long enough to see the end of what Mr. Attinger has to say.”
* 4th November 2015 – London, United Kingdom, Earth James Goodman reached for the alarm clock wearily, his brain begging for that extra ten minutes. In the other bedroom, he could hear his kids were up, already banging around and causing too much noise. He got dressed in the usual attire of smart jeans, buttoned shirt and clip-on tie. Every glance at the soft welcoming mattress making him want to just collapse into it. But he had duties, he'd decided to knock-up some slag 9 years ago who gave him twins before ditching him and leaving him with the pair to raise himself. He reached to the shelf for the deodorant and sprayed himself clean. In the other room he heard a scream and a shatter. "For fuck sake" He mumbled as he went for the door. He went into the twin's bedroom, they shared a room since he'd had to sell his old house to by this crummy two bedroom apartment with an unforgiving landlord after he'd been at the sharp end of the stock market crash. On the floor were pieces of broken lightbulb from a desk lamp by the lower bunk. "What happened" James said, sighing, what a wonderful start to the day. "She did it!" Max said, pointing to his twin-sister Maggie. "Did not!" She retorted. "Did too!" "Enough, enough." James said "Go downstairs, sit at the table and I'll cook up some porridge for breakfast." The twins left the room, James could hear their bickering fade away as they went downstairs. They were good kids, when they weren't together. Max was getting good marks from his homework and Maggie's teacher, Mrs Peters, said she was the best behaved in the class. But somehow, when their personalities conjoined it just blew up like an amateur science experiment. James went to the spare room to get the dustpan and brush and cleaned the glass up, taking into his own room and dumping it in his own bin, he'd rather not wake up to a glass-shard fight in the other room. Before he went downstairs, he decided to pray. He wasn't hugely religious, his parents were technically Catholic and he had been christened, but he was never taken to church or anything. The most religious he got was the occasional prayer and internet argument. "God, I'm not a devote catholic. I haven't been to church in about 20 years, hell I don't think I even have a Bible in my house. But I know you're supposed to be able to look past all that. Anyway, can you just give me a break from these kids? I never knew how tough childcare was. I just want to go away for a while. Can you do that for me man? Cheers." * Closing the microwave door on the second bowl of milk and going to put the oats into the first bowl, James watched the news on the little telly in the corner. It was nothing modern, an old box TV with a talktalk box and a VHS player hooked up to it, a pile of kids movies besides it including such classics as The Lion King II and Casper. But the kids liked them so it was hardly the end of the world that they sat there ruining the level of quality James proudly held in his movie collection. On the news, a woman was reporting on the situation in Syria and the migrant crisis in Europe. Two things that James couldn't give less of a shit about, but he was interested in the journalism aspect, as a journalist himself working for the BBC he was supposed to watch other news shows to learn about how they showed the latest stories. The story was being presented with little camera movement and the facts shown without much filler opinion warping the viewers opinions on the subject, two rather large pet peeves of his that were thankfully not fulfilled in the story. "Dad!" Maggie said "When's it ready?" "It's done now" He said, finishing the porridge on a more liquid level and putting the bowl in front of her. "Thanks!" She said "Oh yeah, I got two stickers in class yesterday!" "Well that's nice," he said, she always had stickers yesterday. Every single morning she would claim she got 1 sticker or 2 stickers or 5 stickers, she did get a lot of stickers in class, but it was complete bullshit for her to say she got 2 a day every day. PING, the microwave sounded. James got the bowl out and stirred the oats in. "Can I have ketchup on mine?" Max said. "Ketchup?" James asked "That's not a very common topping for porridge." "I saw a website that said that's what Satanists have on their breakfast." "Really?" "Daddy, what's a Satanist?" James puffed loudly, this was a rather unexpected question. "Well, Christianity is the worship of god and all the good he's done. Well, Satanists think that the Devil is the one deserving of worship, not good." "But I thought Satan was bad." "Yeah, he is. But god's not a perfect snowflake either. You can tell that to your R.E. teacher." The phone rang. James put the bowl of porridge in front of Max, lacking the ketchup, and put the speaker to his ear "Hello, this is the Jane Hill, I'm calling on behalf of BBC News." was the voice that came from the phone. "Have you got a job going for me?" James asked hesitantly. "Yeah we have," She said "It's a foreign job, you'll be staying abroad for 3 to 4 days." "That's good," James said "Where am I going and what am I doing?" "Come to the office and you'll have a meeting with the boss at 12 o' clock. All I know is it's a high paying job." she said "Alright then, well I'll see you at 12 James. Bye." "Bye." The phone went dead. James put it back on the hook and turned to his kids who were both finished. "Get dressed" he said "Your going to Uncle Rick's house for the week." The two looked at each other confused for a brief moment before legging it upstairs in a furious race. James washed the bowls up and put them away before sticking on the kettle and making himself a cup of tea before they came back down. * Deimos: A moon that recently endured a move, a few million years ago it along with it's bigger more famous moon Phobos were ejected out of the Asteroid by Jupiter's massive gravity field. Being only about half the size and double the distance from it's home planet as Phobos, Deimos was often forgotten about by quite a few people. Only the biggest space nerds really cared about Deimos. After all, it was just a regular old rock in space. There are billions just like it in the Solar System alone, billions of Asteroids for the billions of stars in the galaxy just like the billions of galaxies in the universe. Deimos was nothing special, it didn't have any water, any monolith structures, no defining features of any kind besides the fact it orbited Mars. Though there was something special about Deimos. It had life. Had being the operative word since it was only there for a few hours as a preparation for the final stretch of it's journey. While many scientists would scream 'aliens!' the answer was a lot more interesting. All those clever clogs atheists out there were wrong. A very powerful fallen angel was on Deimos along with a small group Zozgal. A martian species that had been inspired by Satan's speeches. After the first Salvation War caused the destruction of much of Mars the Zozgal had been sent away rapidly to scour the galaxy for a new home but instead were forced to billions of years of test-tube evolution and experimentation by the Angels. Only recently had Satan discovered this martian race floating a few light years from God's favourite planet. He'd seen the hardships that the Angels put on this species, he'd gotten a peak inside and it had not been pleasant. It was so odd, Satan, the most evil being in the universe was saving people and starting an uprising. Though this wasn't the first time this had happened. The last time was the time he'd gone from a regular old angel to one who had fallen. He wondered if this time meant he would fall even further, maybe into some kind of super-hell. Hopefully not, everything was on his side this time. God was under way too much stress at the moment and this time Satan actually had a bit of support. Satan and about twenty thousand Zozgal were in nine mile long spaceships, the one Satan was on was hovering above Deimos. The other eight were gathering supplies from the far side of Mars, mainly Iron, the only thing in plentiful supply on the now retched planet. Mars had been Satan's own little home. His own version of Earth, a mirror of God's personal build. For a few million years all was well, Lucifer as he was called at the time was in the process of getting single celled organisms to grow in the oceans of water, something that would take God another billion years to do. That was part of the reason God started getting pissy with him because of Jealousy. After that, god and Lucifer were having some... disagreements to say the least that was eventually solved with the destruction of a planet from a water world to an iron one and Lucifer from an Angel to an evil plague on the universe. Though some good did come from that, for a few billion years a couple of survivors from the little God-Lucifer incident on Mars evolved into a few species, the only one of any interest being called the Zozgal. A family-based telepathic species with a very reptilian look with their scales to force water through the tiny cracks in their skin. Like a cross between a standing Komodo Dragon and a snake with legs. Who of course, came to an unfortunate end with the first major theological war a few million years ago. Satan built a new planet in a galaxy extremely close to the Great Attractor, the entrance to Hell. At the heart of where every galaxy in the local supercluster was being dragged, God did not know it, but it was a sign of Satan's dominance. Satan was so much more powerful than anything God could have imagined after being vanquished to the deepest depths of darkness and torment. A place so horrific that God himself was scared to venture. A man who could conquer such a place would be more powerful than the almighty. And Satan had done so, after dying the first few thousand times Satan grew accustomed to death to the point where it no longer scared it. After that it was easy, just keep shouting and barging until you get your way, immature maybe, but it evidently was a sound strategy. Satan was strong, so much stronger than anyone or anything could imagine. The heavens and the earths were all at his mercy. Satan would win. * The BBC studios building was a tall modern building, one the BBC had clearly spent far too bloody much of the TV liscense payers money to builder just to show it off to all of the other television companies 'Ooo look at our fancy fucking building, it's made of glass and cost us millions of pounds to make!'. It was only a couple years old and while the building itself was still in tip top pristine condition, the car park had degraded into a nearly unusable mess of bumps and cracks and overgrown greenery which did the exact opposite of what it was supposed to do and just made the whole thing look tacky. Next time they built a building they should hire a gardener to trim it down every once in a while. James pulled into his spot in the car park at BBC studios, at the point about as far away from the building as possible. He sincerely wished large car parks were against the basic human rights, though sadly that wasn't going to be true for quite some time, his legs were tired and he really didn't feel like walking all that way. Especially in November weather. But, a job's a job, and James wanted payment. He got his coat from the backseat and put it on before facing the harshness of sub-optimal British weather. It was a windy and chilly, yet surprisingly not raining as was the stereotype for the country; and to think there'd been a heat wave not 4 months beforehand. I bet early July James was wishing for weather like this, and now November James was wishing for July weather. Hard times these were. He held his coat together and walked to the Studio entrance. By the time he got inside his teeth were chattering away so hard it was fair to think they'd break. Everything in the large open room was smooth and clean, the floor was polished blue granite that seemed to echo every step James took to a level of noise that would wake a sleeping office worker six stories up. Behind a rounded wooden table, the receptionist woman waved him over. "Mrs. Unsworth will be ready for you in a couple minutes. Before you go up I'd just like to mention she's in a bit of a bad mood." "Whys that?" James asked. "Well.." Somewhere a ways away was the smashing sound of a computer against a floor and a woman screaming a scream that would make Godzilla envious. James looked rightfully anxious, he really had to go visit this woman? "You'll find out when you go in" the receptionist said "I'd get it over with as soon as possible if I were you." "No kidding." James said "Christ she sounds mad." "Yeah" She said "You think you've had it bad? I've had to talk to her all morning, on and on about bugger all. At least you only have to be there a few minutes." A speaker went off by the receptionist's computer, she pressed the microphone button and an incredibly fuzzy woman's voice screeched throughout the room. "Hello?" The reciptionist said into the mic. After a sudden 'voosh' sound Mrs Unsworth responded. "You sending him in yet?" Mrs Unsworth yelled through the device, the receptionist covered her ears for a split second because of the high angry pitch that protruded from the speakers. The receptionist turned the mic off and looked at him, "Well, guess you're good to go. Hope you're still good when you come out." She said, giggling as James walked past "1st floor, second door to the window. You'll see the sign; and hear the source." James got in the lift, too lazy to use the stairs and wanting to hold back going in with that maniac for as long as possible, though a couple of seconds waiting for the damn thing were better than nothing. DING, the door pulled open and a black fella walked out carrying a stack of papers, earphones in, trying way too hard to look casual going about his daily routine. Good sign of what was to come obviously. The doors closed and there was the sudden jolt of realisation that you're moving upwards. James hummed along to the shitty elevator-music for all of 10 seconds before the lift stopped again and the doors slid open. The window the receptionist was on about was just a short walk to the right, he went to the door marked head Director of World Service group which was what Mrs. Unsworth's job was. He put his hand to the door to knock, unwilling to actually make the connection between hand and wood. He paused for a second and pulled his hand away, walking over to the window and peering out. There wasn't a huge amount to see, the bad weather had stopped in the true British fashion of remaining raining for as short a time as possible but going on and off every few minutes. The car park tarmac was shiny with water, as were the cars. Beyond the car park near the horizon was a thin row of trees poorly hiding the main road behind it, mainly a poor job because of the giant fuck-off bridge that went above it and past the BBC building sheltering a very small corner of the car park. James wished he could have parked there, he could have too if it wasn't for a stupid little Mini Cooper almost comedically parked in the spot taking up about enough of the parking space as an oversized shopping trolly. James turned his focus away from the dry spot of the car park and put it onto a little man in a suit carrying files hurrying to the warmth of the inside. "Mr Goodman?" came a stern woman's voice from behind him. 'Oh god please no' James turned to face her, unsure if the dread could be seen "Oh hello, I have a meeting booked with you don't I?" "Indeed you do." she said "I'm guessing Diana's been moaning about me." "Yeah a little." She chuckled, "I like to fuck with her sometimes when I'm expecting someone, it's amazing that she keeps falling for it. Let me guess, you're brain is having a sigh of relief right?" "It's like your a bloomin' psychic" James said, it was as if she was forcing the words out of her mouth. Well at least she's not crazy. Mrs. Unsworth ushered James inside. Her office had an orange fragrence that was almost sickeningly strong. She told him to sit on the chair in front of the desk. As she sat down she turned the monitor on her computer around to reveal a Youtube video of someone screaming and knocking various appliances on the ground. "The reactions are perfect everytime" She laughed. "So, Mrs. Unswor..." "Call me Fiona" she told him. "So what's this news report you're wantin'?" "Ahh yes. Well, there's been a few... hidden stories. Ever heard of 'Honduras?'" "Yeah." "Did you know it's a country?" "Yeah." "Do you know anything about it?" James paused and consolidated his brain for any answered, brain turned up nothing. "Not really." "Exactly!" Fiona exclaimed "There are so many goings on there that would be perfect for some juicy news stories!" "Like what?" Fiona did some clicking and opened the wikipedia page for Honduras. She scrolled down, scanning each line for something interesting. All about it's exotic culture and people groups, ah, crime. "Well, Honduras has the highest murder rate for any country. I'm sure you could make a story out of that." "I dunno about that." James said "I don't particularly like the idea of going to the most murderous country in the world." "You'll be fine!" Fiona said, as if unsure of herself. "Still, seems a bit grim doesn't it?" "What seems grim?" "Going to a murderous country just to make money off of the murder victims. It seems a bit mean, If you get my point." "James Mate, do you want to get paid?" Fiona said, the sudden friendliness gone. With a heavy sigh, James knew obviously wasn't going to win here. "Fine, I'll go to Honduras." "Great." "So how much pay?" He bluntly asked catching Fiona of guard. "Well..." Fiona slid over the table grabbing the mouse and wrapping it's cord around James neck, choking the poor man as he was knocked to the floor. "You're being paid in a lack of death." James tried to pull the wire off his neck but it wouldn't budge, he could see Fiona's tensed muscles were almost like that of a bodybuilder's. "Let... lemme go!" He croaked through the tiny gap the wire allowed for voice to pass through. Fiona held his hands around his back and dragged him over to behind the desk. She rummaged through a drawer looking for something. Ah, there it was. A steel rope. She tied him up to the leg of the desk and got on the phone. Hastily dialing a short 3 digit number. Was she calling the police? James couldn't tell from the angle but it was clearly all the same button. "Ello?" She said into the phone. "Yeah, I've got him. He's right here with me... Yes you can come pick him up... No he's safe, bit of a neck bruise but, hey, no biggie right... Right... Right then, Red-man's on his way... That's supreme news Zalzashu... can your come pick him up? Excellent... I'll see you in..." Suddenly the door was kicked in and a team of fully-covered soldiers with machine guns ran in, nozzles pointed at James. After the last man was in, a fully clothed man with a scarf and hat and glasses to cover his face ducked beneath the door and came inside. "... zero seconds." Fiona said "Hello Zalzashu." The man unwrapped his scarf and took off his hat and glasses. What was underneath was something James would never have dreamed of seeing. Thin brown scales for skin. 5 large eyes in a row across it's head, each with multicoloured blobs moving seemingly at random yet always giving the impression it was staring at him. "What the fuck is that!" James yelled, trying to get away from the creature. "Don't worry about him." Fiona said to the thing. "He's a bit of a speciesist." The creature began to talk, James was shocked to discover he could understand what it was saying with it's posh Indian accent. "Oh that's no trouble Fiona. I perfectly understand the human's shock. Things like him don't see creatures like myself very often you know." "Whats going on!" James yelled "Who are all of you?" "It's okay James, really." Fiona said "Nobody's going to hurt you. We just need you to answer a few questions." "Questions? Like what? What have I done? You can't do me in!" "No, no nothing like that.." Zalzashu said "It's a bit of a long story and I'm sure you're uncomfortable tied to that desk leg. Fiona! Untie the man and we'll have a civil conversation with the Demogorgon." "Of course." Fiona said, not bothering to actually untie James. Instead a thin slice appeared above the rope, Fiona pulled the rope up and out, freeing James, before returning the leg to normal. "What? How'd you do that!" "James, I know that's the least of your curiosities." Fiona said "Okay, first off, what is that scale-thing? What's Demogorgon? Where are you taking me and what in God's name am I doing here? What happened to Honduras?" "That's better." Fiona smiled "Curiosity is the best tool a human can have, sad to see it's fueled by ignorance." "If you explained jack-shit maybe I wouldn't be ignorant." "With your closed mind James, you will always be ignorant of the real picture." Fiona said, feeling the table leg to ensure she'd fixed it properly. "And that's not an insult. That's just human nature." "But aren't you human?" She began to laugh, cackling like a lunatic. It was almost as scary as the Indian Scaly thing apparently called Zalzashu. "Am I human?" She asked, nudging one of the men like she was repeating a joke. "Course I'm not human.” Zalzashu stepped in, tapping Fiona on the shoulder to get her attention. “Miss Fiona...” “Do I look like a ‘miss’ to yo...” Not caring about her interruption he continued “... We should get going now. I’m getting sick from this atmosphere. Plus The Demogorgon is probably getting impatient by now, it’s hardly fair on the poor human to have to meet him while he’s angry.” “Alright, alright.” Fiona said, holding her hands up. “Inject the bastard.” Zalzashu got a needle from his suit and put it into his thigh, the needle filled with a blue thick liquid as the reptilian drew his own blood. “Here we go.” He said, flicking the tip of the needle with his finger, a few drops of blue blood staining the floor. “Don’t worry human-James you won’t feel a thing.” James didn’t even struggle, what would be the point? There were 12 guards each equipped with some high-end murder device all ready to be fired on him if he tried to escape. Not to mention he was in a corner of a room 10 metres above a car park. He felt a prick as the needle was inserted into his temple. He squirmed as the liquid was released into his skull. It felt cold, actually, so did everything. He began to chatter, he was freezing. He was shaking violently, he screamed but there was no noise coming out. And slowly, slowly, his vision died away and he dropped unconscious.
submitted by Sign_me_the_fuck_up to MakeMeFunny

BL3, The Good and Bad, Why it is important, and the future of Borderlands [SPOILERS INCLUDED]

First off, let me state that this is purely opinion, many may differ, and thats okay. Second, I still want to try to offer critical thinking, as to offer a nice healthy debate about certain aspects. And third, I am in no way a professional game designer, writer, etc., I am merely a consumer. This very, very, long wall of text will contain SPOILERS FOR BORDERLANDS 3, TPS, AND 2! To begin, lets talk about the good aspects of the game.
THE GOOD: GUNPLAY/MECHANICS:Obviously, the improved gunplay and mechanics were awesome. Holy hell was I blown away from how clean everything seemed. The ability to slide, leap over railings, and climb over obstacles was a huge improvement to Borderlands and I find myself missing it whenever I play 2 or TPS. Guns work phenomenally (most of the time, minor bugs are expected), and theres a wide variety to choose from. The HUD is a teensy cluttered, but still displays all my important info without getting in the way and still looks good. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: While TPS had oxygen kits which were cool, the overall gameplay was similar to BL2, so BL3 is a definite improvement.
GRAPHICS: The graphics are nothing to scoff at either. When I heard Borderlands was going to be in 4K, I scoffed because the graphics have a cartoonish, comic style to them. But I was blown away when I first started and saw the graphics and how they had majorly improved, especially the lighting and particle effects. The game looks absolutely gorgeous at times when you look at landscapes and areas from high above. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: What can I say? BL3 just simply looks better!
SOUNDS/MUSIC: The sounds and music are also amazing, great songs to back up your fighting really help get the player into the mood, and 3 does this perfectly. BGM is important, and I never felt like 3’s music took away from whatever area I was either fighting in, or simply looking around. The sounds are also great, from vehicles to guns to monsters, I love them all. I especially loved how some guns, Tediore guns specifically, made slightly different sounds as the ammo got lower. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: BL2 had some phenomenal music choices, and the BGM was very well made (I love the BGM in Thousand Cuts). TPS had some awesome BGM as well, but I don’t remember anything too memorable apart from the credits of The Claptastic Voyage DLC.
DESIGN: Design choices for areas and enemies are amazing. I have bias for Promethea because I love that dark synth aesthetic, but it looked great, and really connected with the feeling Atlas has. Eden-6 also had a very, very nice design that fit Jakob’s theme as well, and Nekrotefyo has a very Eldritch design to it that I liked. Enemies for their respective areas never seemed to clash against their background and helped to support the aesthetic of their respective planets as well. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: Felt a lil weird because Pandora in BL2 has very, very diverse and had an area similar to Eden-6. However, it was nice seeing those areas being expanded upon and given new life, and a definite improvement to TPS, which wasn’t too impressive in terms of area design since most of everything looked the same.
VAULT HUNTERS: The Vault Hunters were created and executed fantastically. I’m a Zane main, and loved his character, but others like FL4K, Moze, and Amara also shine with very round, charismatic, and downright lovable personalities that put them apart from other characters, but also the other Vault Hunters. Each one has a nice design and plenty of cosmetic items to choose from as well (I have two Zanes, a Dante Zane and a Big Boss Zane). COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: One thing I loved about TPS was how vocal and interactive the Vault Hunters were, it breathed new life into the player characters where as BL2 didnt see the Vault Hunters talk as much or have much of a say to key characters.
EXTRAS: Crew Challenges. I loved these. Exploring the map finally gave a reward beyond guns or a hidden vault symbol. We get siren lore, important background information on Typhon, and claptrap/car parts to find, and even then you’re rewarded with more than XP, as Typhon Dead Drops can offer very lucrative guns, as I’ve gotten a few legendaries that way. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: Obviously, this wasn’t in previous Borderlands games, so its nice to have.
As a small addition, I love the relationship between Jakobs and Hammerlock. Its very healthy, doesnt seemed force and doesn’t revolve around them being gay. They feel perfect for each other and bounce off each other well. Their interactions and personalities reminded me of my own parents.
Unfortunately, however, thats all the good I remember. There may be more, so feel free to bring it up!
THE BAD:
STORY: One thats sticks out to me is the story. I would like to state that I simply do NOT understand why so many people defend the story by saying “nobody cares! Its a looter shooter!” But I can 100% guarantee that if BL2 only had Handsome Jack and some loose, disjointed story like BL3, it would not have been as popular. BL3 feels disjointed, and I really felt like there were times where I could do something better. This becomes worse once you beat the game. A fully powered up Troy and Tyreen are, apparently, nothing when compared to the power of gun, so really it makes no sense as to why we didnt try to kill them sooner because we obviously could have handled it. A lot of interactions and character choices don’t make a whole lot of sense. One really bad aspect, is that the villains never seemed to be a threat. They never directly attack us like they did Lilith, and due to our lack of existence in cutscenes, the twins never acknowledge us apart from being rude in our ears. They feel very weak and I kept questioning why I never went and attacked them directly before they got too strong. Also, a very disappointing final boss and rushed ending to top it off. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: BL2 has a very straightforward, but strong story. You’re a Vault Hunter, Handsome Jack wants you dead simply because you are a Vault Hunter, so you team up with a small army to help fight against Hyperion but also unlock the secrets of the vault. You meet many interesting characters along the way as well, but I honestly think the story flow made sense and gave valid reason as to certain plot points/missions. Even TPS, which most people have voiced their dislike of, has a very strong story and gives valid reasoning as to why we do certain things. We were hired by Jack to help find a Vault, but quickly get caught up in a fight between Hyperion and Zarpedon. Even if we weren’t planning on helping Helios get under Hyperion’s control, we are forced to help because the moon was under threat of being destroyed, and killing us with it and giving us a valid reason to fight. While TPS was short, I loved every minute of the story watching Jack’s descent from Hero to Villain. Awesome final boss for both games as well (Though the Warrior was straight up the best), and a great ending with a great cliffhanger.
WRITING: I want to keep this separate from the story so I can also cover a few extra things. One biggie was a lack of dialogue when talking to key characters. I loved how, in TPS, characters would react differently according to what character you were playing as. It made playing a new character feel truly new in experience. But a lot of dialogue falls flat when the player says something and the NPC just says, “I see” Many of the jokes feel like they fall flat as well, with many being toilet humor but poorly attempted. Borderlands thrives on dark jokes, but also irony. It doesnt help when a lot of jokes are repeated and become generally unfunny. (Vercuvian Ham, Digby Vermouth, Claptrap Sucks, BLOOOD-FEEEUUUD) Another issue is treatment of “serious” moments. Maya and Typhons death feel meaningless and unearned, and then become irrelevant as another poor joke is told and everybody moves on. Borderlands is completely capable of serious moments, which is why its a wonder that BL3 didnt pull them off. Many events also feel rushed as well. As a sidenote, a lot of the bosses dont feel important or even strong. The human ones exist with the sole purpose of “being annoying so you want to kill them” and the non humans just have obnoxious immune phases to prolong the battle. IMO, Pain and Terror was really the best fight. Theres also a weird focus on sirens that sort of just shoehorns Tannis into being one for whatever reason. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: BL2 is ripe with good jokes, but thats common knowledge by now. One good joke I loved is in TPS, after Jack recruits Pickle, Jack says “This is the 10-year old boy I hired to help us”. The way he says it is funny to me because hes not saying it as a joke, its funny because he’s completely serious. In the same missions, Tina compares Pickle to a child and says shes a Lady with lots of menopause. Its a gold joke with solid delivery. When it comes to serious moments, BL2 has its Control Core Angel moment with Roland’s death AND Bloodwing’s death. These are great moments that really cement Jack’s character, but even when Jack follows up Bloodwing’s death with a joke, its funny due to it being aligned with Jack’s character and being in poor taste, rather than another character making some one-off side joke. TPS even had this, with Felicity being put into the Constructor against her will and wishes. Its a moment that isnt just sad, but simply shows that Jack would have saved her if he had more time. As for bosses, BL2 had a LOT of them in just the base game. TPS might not have had a lot, but there WERE interesting side bosses. But BL3, doesnt have many bosses that are just side bosses, but rather “hunts” or slightly stronger named enemies that can be found on the kill list.
CHARACTERS: I know a lot of people complain about Ava, but its worse than that. All of the returning characters are hollow shells of their former selves with their worst traits turned up to 100%. Vaughn became an obnoxious dude-bro who only knows how to yell or talk about his abs. Lilith became downright stupid and effectively retconned the events of the Commander Lilith DLC since she not seems to be unable to command, but even make general decisions. Maya loses all her badass Vault Hunter skills and can only phaselock enemies for you to shoot at until she forgets how to and puts Troy in a chokehold. Rhys loses his character development and becomes a geeky loser again, he just owns a company now. I even want to defend Moxxi, who was revealed to be an excellent mechanic and fighter (where Ellie and Scooter got their skills), as well as be good at financial businesses like the underdome just became a walking sex joke again which makes her presence on Sanctuary III weird if thats all she can do. Theres also a heavy lack of the B-team, which we’ve heard a lot of but is a big deal considering how much they were marketed and cared about. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: BL2 introduces a lot of new characters but also has our cast of BL1 return. They feel fully fleshed out as well, and are given a new life that makes them feel alive. The TPS did this as well, giving us a huge insight into Jack’s character, as well as seeing what Lilith and Roland were doing between 1 and 2. Moxxi also makes a return and thats where we learn about her skills, honestly, The Boson had more character than Lilith did in BL3.
AVA: yes, I’m making an entire section about her because what was Gearbox thinking? Ava is most definitely a self-insert character designed to replace Tina, and completely fails at doing so. Shes a normal teen, and while that may seem okay, it completely goes against everything Borderlands. Nobody is “normal”, everybody is weird in their own way. But Ava is a normal, bratty teen with poor writing as to ensure shes the hero. She is a number one cause of Maya’s death, as Maya could have easily fought had Ava NOT been there. Hell, Maya may have even gone into the vault with us. Then, she tells Lilith off and NOBODY even tries to stop Ava or tell her that she’s completely wrong. She even tells Lilith that Maya said “Run towards the fire” when Maya said moments ago to not always do that. We then get the option to comfort Ava like she even needs it. At the end, shes given Siren powers to save the day and even control of the raiders and Sanctuary. Wow.
ENDGAME/MAYHEM MODE: I wont argue that there isnt anything to do for endgame, but I will argue its rather lackluster. Due to there not being a lot of dedicated Loot drops for bosses, theres no real reason to go out of your way to farm them when you could just farm a circle of slaughter, Graveward, or Katagawa Jr. However, thats a small complaint. My main one is “Mayhem Mode”. After playing for a while I simply cannot find it fun. The mayhem consists of nerfs to the player and buffs to enemies, the only real “mayhem” is that bullet reflection modifier you can occasionally get. It also just decides to constantly spawn badasses and anointed enemies as if that is fun when they all have rockets and 100% accuracy. It simply isnt interesting imo. I also want to argue a lack of bosses. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: 2 had a TON of bosses, and I mean a lot for a base game. Each one had dedicated loot, but some even shared loot as well. Even if OP mode for 2, I didnt constantly feel bombarded by badasses with 100% accuracy rockets. TPS had a weak endgame, so at least 3 did better.
GEARBOX AND THEIR “BALANCE”: I understand that Borderlands needs some balance, especially Zane needing a buff, but a certain aspect of Boderlands I liked was that if you grinded for specific legendaries that your skills had synergy with you could melt enemies. However, Gearbox seems to dislike OP builds and guns that outperform others which seems dumb when the point of a legendary is that it outperforms other guns. Im not saying OP Grenade Moze shouldve stayed, but Gearbox has shown that they want to lower damages on legendaries that “outperform” other guns. It might sound pointless, but I loved grinding for hours in BL2 to have the perfect build that would destroy bosses and mobs alike. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES; Salvador was braindead gameplay I’ll admit, but still had potential to be fun if you loved melting stuff. Even TPS had its OP moments as long as you put in the right skills and got the perfect legendaries.
VILLAIN MOTIVATIONS/GENERAL CHARACTERS: The twins were... disappointing. I know that they were designed to be annoying but that just feels like a lazy excuses for these guys. They never felt like a threat to the player, and the one chance they get for development between Tyreen and Troy is comply shirked because it goes nowhere. Their motivations are very, very loose. They want to become a star? How does that make sense? They were raised by an overprotective and endearing father who told them stories of the galaxy, but how did they decide that they wanted to become stars and the best way to do that was becoming genocidal cult leaders and awakening an ancient evil? You would expect sheltered kids to be more psychotic and committing evil because they genuinely enjoy it or for the sake of doing so now that theyre free, not wanting to be a star and thinking unleashing the destroyer would do that for them. COMPARED TO PREVIOUS GAMES: Handsome Jack is talked about enough, we KNOW what makes him such a damn great villain. Zarpedon is TPS even has a great motivation. She knew what Jack would do, she knew what Elpis really was. She knew destroying it would save people, but to do so she had to kill others. Thats what made her so great.
SMALL COMPLAINTS: There seems to be a weird theme of “family” that is constantly pushed. From Ava and Maya, Rhys and Katagawa, and obviously the Twins and Typhon. But it feels as id it never goes anywhere, its just... there. Also, a lack of character CQ’s. I loved those and thought they were so cool, Borderlands 2 AND TPS had a bunch of them, but 3.... not so much which was disappointing. It mightve been a glitch but the second Traunt fight didnt even give me a CG or character intro, I just dropped in and the fight immediately started.
WHY IS THIS ALL IMPORTANT: I feel as if this is important because a lot of us had very high expectations for this game. Seven years and our payoff should NOT have been this mess. I feel disappointed because it feels like a major amount of time was spent on mechanics and the engine rather than a decent story, writing, or anything else. I, personally, have very high expectations of 3. I expected many bosses and raid bosses on launch, with multiple planets. I expected strong, threatening villains. And honestly, I dont think I expected too much. To me, it feels like Gearbox knew Borderlands 3 would bring in money and didnt actually care too much about the series itself. This brings me to the future THE FUTURE OF BORDERLANDS: If writing like this continues, I cant expect great DLC. The game will quickly lose replay ability as well. If a Borderlands 4 is announced within a few years after our final DLC, it will confirm that Gearbox is just milking Borderlands for money, which I hope is not the case. Simply put, we deserve better as consumers and loyal players and fans of Borderlands. We don’t deserve to be given a poor story and mistreatment of beloved characters. What do I expect to come from this for those who read this far? I don’t know, but I hope we can perhaps make a push for a change for the better for Borderland’s future.
submitted by CL4P_Channel to Borderlands

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