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I feel like I'm going to flunk college because of depression
Right now I was just planning on ordering some stuff to help me organize my stuff and get through all my classes. Like a whiteboard for a To Do list, new glasses since I haven't gotten new ones for 4 years, and some other stuff.
I have Fidelis Care from NY and my college is in Jersey, and I'm not sure if the insurance covers it since I have no money. I miss my session with the college therapist last week and I didn't do the worksheet she assigned. I was kinda hoping for something that would help me focus as much as possible so I can at the very least study and pass my classes.
Type Me based on some good old fashioned questions and answers
I am a 16 year old straight male. I am moderately tall, 5 foot 11, and weigh 140 pounds. Sort of lean. I have red hair and grey eyes. People say they always like my eyes. I have long eyelashes and a unique color of eye. People also think I give them dirty looks, while I’m just really thinking about something in my head and my eyes just unconsciously glance at my surroundings. I look like I’d be sporty and manly, due to the way I dress and the fact that I have decent looking muscles, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I hate sports, but I do like working out. I just don’t like doing manual labor. Mentally, I’m a nerd, but I try and present myself as a cool, sporty dude.
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?
Not that I know of.
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?
I grew up going to church, but it slowly faded from my life. My parents got busier, and my sister also took time away from them, so we just stopped going. I would still consider myself a Christian, though I don’t believe that Church is necessary to practice the faith. For the most part, I can do whatever I want to. My parents don’t set many restrictions on me because I’m not the type of kid to cause trouble, or do drugs, or steal clothes. I’m above those things. Sure I play a lot of video games, but unlike most people, I can balance real life with screens. It sickens me with how much we as a generation are glued to our phones; especially at public school. This is my first year going to a public school. Well... not exactly. I went to a preschool, then went to public kindergarten. The preschool I went to was pretty top-notch, so a lot of the stuff I did in Kindergarten bored me, so I acted out in class. My parents were concerned, so they sent me to Montessori in 1st grade, and I stayed there through 9th grade. That was one of their best decisions ever. Now I am back at a public setting, and though the work is much easier than it was last year, I have matured drastically since the way I was in Kindergarten (I would hope everyone would be more mature than their toddler selves lol). But what I was trying to say was that I no longer act out in class just because something is easy for me. Easy work allows for deeper, more meaningful thinking.
As a kid, I suppose my parents were kinda strict. I mean sort of. They told me to eat food that I didn’t like, and I threw a fit. That was basically me as a kid. I threw a fit and got my way. Now I criticize and harp at my sister (she is four years younger than me, so she is now 12) when she tries to get her way. But I do a lot of complaining now. When I’m at school, I try and be perfect, nice and helpful. But at home I tend to be whiney, complainy, critical and sort of a dick (I don’t swear in public. I think it’s just really stupid). I just don’t feel like trying as much when I’m at home. Of course I’m not like this all the time at home, but I do complain about everything, though that’s not always with malicious intent. I just want people to know how they could improve. Nothing is ever perfect, and there is always room to improve. As soon as you settle for mediocre you grow lazy. So you must never stop towards the goal (that everyone should have) of perfection.
• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?
I really enjoy classical music. I’ve played the violin since 2nd grade (had to play a string instrument because of the private school, another reason why it was a good idea I went there). I ride (my parents drive me, I don’t like driving) about 2 hours each sunday to go to a higher class youth orchestra. I love it everything about it. The violin and classical music. I love composing, and taught myself how to play the piano and guitar. So I am planning on doing something with the violin. I also enjoy hardcore Dubstep and Techno music. Classical music and dubstep may seem drastically different, but not if you truly think about it. Both genres mainly use instruments/sounds as the main melody (aside from Opera which sucks). Classical music and Dubstep (good dubstep) takes a lot more time and effort to create than pop music. Especially rap. Talking in a monotone voice while a synthetic drum kit plays in the background is not music. Its more like poetry. Music needs a melody. And it needs one that is built upon, not just mindlessly repeated like a new Justin Bieber song.
I also love math, science and every other subject in school. Except for history. Usually the teachers that teach history give us trivial work that serves no purpose at all. (My opinion on this has changed, I now like history, but I left this in here). Stupid tasks don’t make us smarter. The best way to teach history is to have us read, study, and test us. And debating and talking about political ideas. Not drawing pictures or dressing up like a guy from history. But anyway, I brought this up just to say I love doing pretty much everything academic wise. I could see myself doing practically anything, so long as it doesn’t include manual labor, or cars, or painting, or mowing yards. I want to do psychology, be an author, be an accountant, programmer, software designer, product designer, teacher; everything. I always want to be a student. I love to learn. I know that sounds nerdy, but my physical description doesn’t really match my personality.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?
I actually have multiple personality disorder, so a weekend alone by myself wouldn’t really be lonely.
Usually after a week full of talking, I’d enjoy a weekend off. But after Saturday, I’d probably start earning for some social interaction with other people aside from my family. Social interaction isn’t a necessity for me; I don’t crave it. But it usually makes me feel better about myself. I start to focus on my flaws when I’m not out talking to people. Not that I think I’m better than everyone I talk to, but being around healthy and nice people makes me feel better about myself. I also like it when I can actually converse right, and not take long pauses in my sentences. When I can reply fast and correctly, it’s like I can see my friendship bar increase with that person. Like a telltale game. “(Insert Name Here) will remember that.” And that goes both ways. Remembering negatively and positively.
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
I play golf. I like it when I’m good at it. But my skill fluctuates; aka, I’m not consistent. That means that I’m not good at it. I wouldn’t like many other sports because I don’t like pain/falling and scraping my knees. I do enjoy working out though. Building muscle without risk of outside pain. Sure, working out can cause pain that I’ll likely complain about, but pain caused by outside sources would really hurt me. I prefer indoor activities. I hate sweating and getting sun burnt. And putting on sunscreen.
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
I am very nosy. Everyone’s business is my business. I sometimes unconsciously spy in on people, either by looking or listening. I tend to have a lot of really good ideas, I’m just sometimes too lazy to execute some. Lazy isn’t the right word. I just start thinking about how much work an idea would need, and sometimes I do start, but I hardly finish any. Unless someone is telling me to do it for a grade, I most likely won’t want to do it. I complain too much, and then I just give up. I tend to have mysterious curiosities. “Does this person like this person?” “Would this person be a good (insert occupation here)?” “What’s this person’s mbti type?” “What would my life be like if this wouldn’t have happened?” Most of my oddest curiosities are too meta for me to communicate them out loud (or via text). I just don’t know how I can. I tend to wonder about conceptual things about my environment. A bit of both.
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
Yes. I love being in charge. I am great at it. I’d be a relatable, fun leader, but would make sure things get done. I want the people I’m leading to respect me as a peer, but they also need to realize that I am in charge. I would do most of the work, unless I find someone that I truly trust to do a good job, then I’d give them a little bit of responsibility. I’ll be honest; if I mess up, I do tend to blame others.
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?
I don’t think so. I tend to not pay attention to my surroundings and knock things like my phone or calculator off of my desk. I’m coordinated if I focus on the present and what I’m doing. I hate working with my hands. Though I do like video games and the violin. But I hate sciences like Biology and Anatomy. I prefer sciences like Chemistry and Physics. I like hypothetical science, or science with less hand work. I also get squeamish at blood and medical things.
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.
Yes. I wish I were better at drawing, but I do love writing and music. I prefer fantasy/science fictional writing. I also weave in comedy, that most people don’t think I’m capable of, into my writing. I also love music. I love playing it and I love writing it. I tend to write classical music or hardcore dubstep music. I don’t like music with words. I also don’t like country, pop, or rap, but I can appreciate certain songs in those genres. I enjoy criticizing all forms of art. Like I said, I like complaining. Though I don’t like upsetting people. That’s why I keep my complaints to myself unless I’m at home.
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?
The past is weird. I have a good memory, which some might say is an Si thing. I disagree. When I think about things that happened in my past, I can recall things, but it doesn’t feel like things that happened to me. They feel like facts or things that I remember from a movie. AKA: Not me. Each day I’m basically a new person with the facts of the past to use to benefit my future. I do have a good memory, but that’s just because I’m good at locating facts stored in my mind. My memory isn’t an Si memory, it’s more of an Ni-Se memory I’d think. My Ni stores away things about my present. But my Si isn’t developed enough for my memories to truly feel like my own; for me to truly relive every moment of them.
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
Depends on who it is and where it is. If it’s not my family, I help almost anyone when they ask. I don’t necessarily want to help, but I do, because it’s the right thing to do. I also might want to help them so they form a good opinion of me. But I don’t necessarily think like that, it might just be a subconscious reason. If it’s at home, like helping my sister with homework, I tend to complain out loud but still want to do it. “I have better things I could be doing right now.” “This is a waste of time.” But I still do it. Because I want to.
Some people help others to assert their dominance. Or to show others how much smarter they are than them. That’s sickening to me. People with big egos sicken me. You know, this may sound pretty hypocritical, but considering I’m smart with a good personality, I think that makes me better than people who might even be slightly smarter than me with a superiority complex.
• Do you need logical consistency in your life?
I don’t think I fully understand this question. I do prefer consistency in my life, yes, but not too much. I like schedules and deadlines but only at school/work. At home, that’s my time. I set my own mental schedules. But my home time is my time to rest. Consistency doesn’t have to be present.
If this question is asking if I need everything to make sense in my life, in a way, yes. There needs to be a reason for me to do something. I find stupid things stupid. Like learning how to ride a bike. Pointless. Learning how to tie your shoes. Not needed. If something does not have a purpose, then I need not do it. Simple. (I know how to tie my shoes now. Still don’t know how to ride a bike. I do have my drivers license but I don’t really enjoy driving. I have to focus on driving when I could be focusing on my phone, or my thoughts.)
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?
I enjoy a good laugh as much as anybody. But if a group is told by a teachecoach to do something, or hurry up, and I am in that group; people better watch out. At that point we need to at least not mess around. We need to focus on completing our task and be productive first, then we can have fun and goof off once we are done.
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?
I try not to be too controlling of others, but it just sort of happens. Probably because I want to be in control. I don’t trust others. Even though I also don’t trust myself, really, but I guess I trust myself more than I trust others. I don’t really think I don’t trust others... I think I am exaggerating. But I do like being in control. I like being depended upon by other people. But I don’t necessarily like being of service to them. There is a difference. I like helping out, and be depended on. Not waiting on their every need.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?
Music is fun. Violin is fun. Writing is fun. Learning is fun. I like these things because I am good at them. I like video games. I’m not the best at them but I still enjoy them. Mainly nintendo games, minecraft and fortnite. Kind of childish, I know, but I prefer my video games to be lighthearted, or full of well thought out plot, or to be full of creativity. I love modded minecraft. All of the options overwhelm me, really. But this is one of the few things I like being overwhelmed about. I also do enjoy golf, but only when I am good at it. When I do worse, I dislike it. I also enjoy thinking. Just sitting down and thinking to myself. Exploring thoughts, exploring ideas. I can sometimes lose my train of thought while thinking to myself, but most of the time I have a very insightful experience. I also enjoy working out. The feeling of sore muscles, but without sun burn, or scrapped up hands, or without being too hot feels nice. Working out by, like, doing manual labor sucks. I’d very much rather build muscle inside with air conditioning, where I can focus more so on actually working out.
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
My learning style adapts to my surroundings. I tend to learn on my own pretty easily. Though I don’t mind help from teachers, but given a worksheet with a sample answer, I can probably assume how to do the rest of the worksheet. I love classes that involve memorization, logic, and creativity. Logic and creativity go hand in hand, most of the time. I don’t really like classes that involve touch, or building models or other stuff like that. The only senses I like using are hearing and vision. Smelling tends to cause more problems than it solves. I suppose tasting is okay.... but classes that involve real world things like an automotive class, or a carpentry class, or a cooking class aren’t my favorite.
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?
Hard for me to determine honestly. I like to think I’m a pro-strategist, but I tend to get too careless with my moves. Like in a video game like Among Us, for example, I tend to get too careless with who I accuse. But in a real world situation, I try to strategize the conversation. Sadly I usually end up trying to improvise things and fail miserably, and get upset. I get over it. But this is why I like it when I can actually use words correctly and can improvise in a conversation with success. My strategizing tends to happen more mentally and less “I’m going to write down my steps on a list.” My lists are mental.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?
I’m afraid of heights. I’m afraid of any physical danger, or climbing a ladder, or crossing the street, because I am afraid that my own abilities will cause my demise. I am more so afraid of myself than these things. I feel uncomfortable by a lot of things. When my hair doesn’t stay in place. When my clothes don’t fit me right. When I feel too hot. My dad makes me uncomfortable. He tries to carry on a conversation with every person he meets. Not everyone wants to know your life story Dad. I hate when others think they are better than everyone. People with an ego disgust me. That being said, I probably hate it more when others think they are better than me. I’m probably more selfish than I think. I also hate it when people don’t consider more than one side. They blindly follow what they believe in. Educate yourself. Just because your parents believe something doesn’t mean you have to.
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
I daydream a lot. Most of the time, when I do daydream, I am not aware of my surroundings. Subconciously I am aware of things. My eyes look at things and my brain recognizes things in my peripheral vision. But I an consciously unaware. It’s tiring for me to daydream while also being aware of my surroundings. So I tend to just daydream most of the time, while my subconscious mind does my busy work.
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?
I am constantly processing my emotions. I do like reflecting upon how things made me feel. And I tend to empathize with my past self. For the most part, I don’t process things for myself immediately. I tend to just steal the emotions of those around me at first. But for me to truly process things for myself, I need time.
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?
Yes. Though as of the quarantine my beliefs have become a lot more solid. But I always see every side. I tend to just smile and nod when someone says something that makes me mad. Or supports a politician that I see as corrupt, or hateful. Usually I try and make the conversation stop by not saying anything, or by trying to redirect to another topic. I do try and appease to others, so they have a better opinion of me. I’ve not really been in too many situations where I’ve needed to do this recently, so I can’t say how often.
• What do the "highs" in your life look like?
I am not stressed with all of the stuff I have to do. I tend to actually get more stressed with my workload when I have less to do. When I have more to do I feel less stressed. Because I usually just don’t care about video games. So I guess the highs in my life don’t include video games. I also have friends; but more importantly, acquaintances that like me. My life is pretty much like that all the time. Most people like me. I would also be consistent in my golf playing, my violin playing, and my speaking skill. My parents wouldn’t buy any junk food (because the only time I eat candy is when we have it here. If it wasn’t here I wouldn’t eat it. Stop buying it. Jeez.) Life would be good. I would be on top of all aspects of my life.
• What do the "lows" in your life look like?
Thankfully I haven’t experienced this much. But they look really bad.
My “girlfriend” broke up with me and the way I found out about it sucked. I had to be nosy and heard her talk to someone who asked “So do you just not like him anymore, or are your parents not letting you like him?” I of course assumed she was talking about me, because, why would she not be. I felt really hurt. Betrayed. Annoyed. Sad. Why didn’t she just tell me. I started crying pretty hard (this was at a party). Two of my friends (a boy and a girl) helped comfort me. This was also the night before the last day of school. Yaaaaay. Anyways, we still texted a bit after that, but I didn’t put as much effort into it. Eventually she said that she was sorry about how I found out about it, and that she did find out about me knowing she didn’t like me anymore. She had told me it was because I laughed at a joke someone made about homeless people, and because I said that a lot homeless people are faking it. I wasn’t satisfied with her answer. For a year I kept on nagging the girl friend who comforted me at the party why she stopped liking me. We were both in tears at one point at a football game. She said it was because I was too clingy. Too nosy. And she had started to like someone else. Now this was the answer I was looking for. I still didn’t really get over her. I am determined not to care too much or be too clingy with my next relationship. But I could have had another relationship or two by now. Maybe I’ve been in a loop where I don’t want to focus on love. But the thing is I do want love so bad. I just can’t see anyone else as perfect as her. She was pretty, had a contagious smile, beautiful blue eyes, she was a christian girl. Our personalities seemed to match. And that’s probably why things didn’t work out. We were too similar. Except she was a bit more stuck up than me. But anyway, all we did was text. Both of us were too nervous to talk to each other in person. We didn’t want people to know. But they eventually all knew anyway. One thing I did was I changed my beliefs to match hers. She grew up with a hardcore, christian Karen mother, and she followed her without question. It was probably a good thing we didn’t work out. But I still love her. I don’t try and 100% believe the same as her anymore, but she definitely rubbed off on my personality. I still notice I squint my eyes like her when I’m thinking about something, and crack my fingers like her, and pop my back by pulling on my chair like her. Or maybe she copied things I did? I did notice that when we were “together” that she wore more sporty outfits like me, and when she liked a country boy, she wore boots and flannel shirts all the time. We were really similar. Aside from our upbringing. Her mom was hardcore conservative Republican, and my Mom was semi-conservative Democrat. It’s a shame. I tend to find that I am now gravitated towards skinny, tone girls with bright blue eyes now. I can’t believe I am still stuck on her. How pathetic.
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?
I am pretty much a rule follower. Unless I see something as unjust. I complain about the rules sometimes, but I follow them. I mostly complain about those that don’t follow the rules. They claim that they can be above the law. “I have a personal right.” My left butt cheek you do. It sickens me how people vote for presidents (I am American) that have the same beliefs as them. We should vote for who we believe is a better human being. Who cares if they want to fight climate change or not. If they aren’t kind, helpful or civilized, then they shouldn’t be in charge. I hate how our politics is one sided. Most people don’t really fall on the far left and right ends of the political spectrum. We are all Americans; and most of all, we are all people. Stop arguing and voting for bad role models. Do better, America.
Thank you for reading this. I reorganized the list because most people really only read the first few answers and the last ones. Please read the second to last question, it could help a bit. I have learned a lot about mbti and cognitive functions, and taken a ton of tests. But I am still uncertain. I usually get the same type on all the tests, but I don’t want to influence your assessment. I want your unbiased opinion. Even though you have to base it on my biased opinions about myself. Enjoy.