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STBXW Showed up at my apartment last evening
I am unfortunately using this spot to vent/log/diary this process in my divorce/recovery of my sense of pride and self worth. It has been cathartic and emotionally cleansing of a sort, even the derisive and incredibly unkind people and their comments and conjecture.
For that I thank you.
My STBXW showed up last evening (About 18 hours ago.)
I had been home for about 20 minutes and had performed my usual decontaminating ritual from my shift yesterday. (She knows me so well) no sooner had I put on my comfy sweats and favorite ratty shirt does there come a somewhat frantic knock at my apartment door. I wasn't expecting a visitor, so I kind of thought it might have been a maintenance person, they usually change the furnace/air handler filters in the third week of the month here. Like an idiot, and usually thinking only the best in my fellow humans, I opened the door without looking through the peep-hole...
And there she stood. Solemn faced and almost indignant. I felt many things at once. A bit of fear, some anger, and truthfully some longing. My first thought was that something very bad had happened.
Before I could say my prepared statement in regards to her intruding into my life ("It is unfortunate that you made the decisions you made and actions you took, however, I choose to not make myself available to you anymore and all communication should be made through my attorney that you will pay for at her rate; Goodbye.")
She abruptly handed me a sealed brown envelope turned around and slowly waked away.
I threw it against the wall opposite my apartment front door and shut it briskly. Making sure to overly turn the deadbolt so that the 'Click' of it could be heard outside.
15 minutes later I opened my door again and she wasn't in the breeze-way but she had obviously leaned the large envelope against my front door. She had written "I'm sorry." on it. For a moment, I thought it was my proposed separation/divorce settlement and she had signed it and we then just had to wait until a judge ruled on it. No...
It was a letter, and the packet included a "Timeline" of events from our initial dating through my discovery of her infidelity. In actuality, there were 2 other affairs.
In truth, Several Redditors had stated that her behavior inclined her to be a serial cheater, I kind of figured there were others as well. The realist/pessimist in me actually thought there might have been many, many others. She confirmed the On/Off guy prior to us being "Exclusive" (Keep in mind she introduced me to her daughters and we were sure as shit acting like we were in a relationship before we "Named" it. Then there was an ER doctor when I was in orientation/out of town for 2 weeks at a time over 8 months to get exposure for my certification and training (about 10 years ago in our relationship/marriage). Then about 5 years ago (12 years into our relationship/marriage) a girlfriend and her boyfriend threesome while I was on an overnight call case.
Not going to lie, it stung. But, didn't really hurt like the initial discovery. Even the gory details she included in this "Timeline" were actually kind of soothing, like I was just confirming my already correct assumptions. The letter was interesting. In it she detailed her shortcomings and failings within herself and how my actions after the discovery of her current affair have made the pain of what she inflicted on me real and very difficult to live with. She also wrote she has been attending aggressive therapy and seeking to better herself, and, that this was part of her therapy.
She closed with her wishing and wanting to remain married.
I wanted to show it to my FWB the next time she came over and mock her vulnerability the way she did to me. But, she's too classy for that. It was a fleeting feeling and a little flash of the rage monster in me, but, he's too burnt out and weary now, plus, I am better than that.
I knew she would be in the back parking lot watching my tiny patio. I've seen her Porsche there from time to time. I opened the curtain (It's a shitty medical residency apartment so its got those plastic strips covering the sliding glass door.) and saw her car. I waived to her and made a "Come on motion"
I sat her down across from me at my little 3 foot table in my uncomfortable "Dining" chairs and said she had this evening/night (It was about 9 pm at that point) to get out whatever she had felt she needed to say. I made sure to re-enforce boundaries and reiterate the fact that there was absolutely nothing she could say that would undo the divorce and my moving on from our marriage. She was definitely taken aback, but after an awkward minute she began by apologizing for her decisions and "Mistakes" (As much as I wanted to jump down her throat about "Mistakes." Inadvertently cutting someone off in traffic is a "Mistake" choosing to betray someone... that's a will full decision of moral failing.) She basically poured her heart out for a solid 90 minutes. She included her poor reasons and rationale as well as her fears and insecurities. Basically her "Why" and "How" she justified it all. Some of it was rehearsed and some of it was pretty heartfelt. I thanked her and told her that it was late and she should leave.
She began crying. Not sobbing, but tears were streaming. A few months ago I would have mocked her and said hurtful things. But, I again thanked her for her honesty and told her how I wished she would have been this open with me 2 years ago. I too began crying, not sobbing, just a few drops. She made that super awkward shuffle step/slide to hug me, but I kind of turned sideways for a more friendly pat on the back and a "There, there." I knew that as soon as I had said it, it crushed her. She began ugly crying. I guided her onto my couch and told her to take a minute and collect herself, while I got a box of tissues. I didn't want her driving in Houston traffic on a Saturday night hysterical. I guess me saying that made it worse and before I knew it, she was having a full on hyperventilation panic attack. Legit. Her hands/fingers were cramping, her pupils were the size of dinner plates, she was terrified. I offered to take her to the hospital and she adamantly refused. She took a medicine bottle from her small purse and asked for a glass of water. She had been prescribed Xanax. She took 2 mg and asked if it would be o.k. if she waited until things got better. I said "Sure." (I did promise her that she had the evening to get it out of her system. I told her to take her shoes off and gave her a blanket to lay down on the couch. I cleaned up my kitchen and made a grocery list for tomorrow. (I only like going to the grocery store early in the morning, especially HEB on a Sunday.) by then it was about midnight and she was lightly snoring. I stood there watching her for a few minutes, then turned off the living room light and left the hallway light on as a night light so she could make it to the bathroom. Left a note to please lock the bottom handle lock on her way out and be safe. I had laid down with a contented sense of peace and almost gentleness in my mind.
I tossed and turned until about 2 then got up to check on her. She was definitely deeply asleep. I then did something I am remorseful for. I opened up her phone. I saw her dating apps. POF, Bumble, Tinder. I kind of grimaced and sort of chuckled. She was engaging in the usual lascivious sexting and it was obvious she had been with some much younger men it looked like 2 maybe 3. It was hard to tell between what was texting and sexting. It was evident she was just a pump and dump though from the abrupt radio silence.
I pulled up her Skype log. I knew I'd see needle dick on there. Yup... Just 4 days ago. I put her phone back and went back to my bedroom. I left a message with his betrayed wife in the guise of checking on her and updating her on my divorce situation. She had told me when I dropped the news/bombshell on her about her husband and my wife, that she didn't want to hear from me again. About 10 minutes after I sent that, I just went ahead and sent a message telling her that he was still communicating with my STBXW just in case they were reconciling.
All I could think about was the fable about the turtle and the scorpion.
I awoke to too much light in the eastern sky and the smell of good coffee and Kolaches... She had turned my phone alarm off (I stopped locking my phone, It's just essentially me in my little apartment/life) and gone to the grocery store and then gotten breakfast. I was NOT pleased. I guess she had packed an overnight bag "Just in case." And had fresh clothes as well. She was waiting for me in my little kitchen and tried to kiss me to tell me good morning and how she was such a lucky woman to have such a loving, kind man in her life. I threw the Kolaches in the trash (Which is a sin, they were my favorite, Honey Poppy seed,) and told her in a clenched jaw with a menacing growl to "Get out NOW." I realized I was angry at her hypocrisy, that I really shouldn't have known about. Again it's my fault for looking on her phone, but, there was a microscopic part of me that wanted to believe she truly had overcome something within herself and that I was only going to find Pintrest and Face book. What that microscopic part of me would have done with that knowledge I don't know.
Of course I realized what I had done immediately, and at this point she started crying all over again.
I know, I know. You will all be saying what an idiot I am for even entertaining her little confession last night. I am just a kind person, and I understand how important some steps are in therapy, especially now.
So I told her that she did a good thing by "Confessing" her issues and "Mistakes" and telling me her breakthrough etc. But, I did not feel that she had changed herself fundamentally. With that she wanted to know what I meant and how could she show me proof. I just chuckled to myself and all I could think was "Dude, if you have to ask, you'll never know." I again told her I was proud of her for her "Confession"and she needed to get her things and make her way to her house.
I had gotten my phone and turned on the voice recorder after she started crying. She saw me turn it on and wanted to know if I wanted to get her consent to fuck, and she would REALLY love it if we could do some of the things we used to do.
She then wanted to know when FWB was coming over. Again I declined to answer, I made a quick show of gathering her shoes and purse along with her overnight bag and handing them to her. Once she was passed the door, I threw the deadbolt and sat on the ground leaning against the door. My heart was hammering. All kinds of what if's popped into my head.
What if she accused me of rape or assault or whatever? Fuck, what if she copied my key?
I did nothing wrong, other than show another human a little kindness and humanity. Sure I snooped on her phone, but technically it is still my phone as my name is on the bill. (That's in the works to get divided among other brass tacks) I left a message on the apartment managers non-emergency service and told her that I would like a new lock and key set. If they wanted a reason I'd tell them. But, I have no problem just paying for it outright.
To all of you that have been saying I'm some kind of hero or inspiration from all of this, stop, I'm a complete fuck up. I am now at that stage where I am angry and disappointed in myself again for letting her into my head/heart for just a second. I do however feel that this wasn't exactly planned on her part, I feel like she thinks we are going to be together and that she can fix this mess, despite me telling her repeatedly that its over. I just have to stop and be the mountain of granite. Give her absolutely nothing.
All right, I am ready for my written tongue lashing and hell fire with brimstone condemnation. I deserve it this time.
Edit to add: If I see her car outside again I am going to start the process of getting a restraining order. I don't feel like my life or safety are in jeopardy, she could just make life difficult, and I ain't about that kind of life.
Edit to add part 2: I called the apartment security. The dude looked like Barney Fife. I told him the situation. Estranged wife. Soon to be divorced, she doesn't have a unit here. The usual. I filled out their incident report and thats about all I can do. There is a control access gate, but it closes so slow you can piggy back with another vehicle going in. I told them they should post there during peak times.