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I watched every second of the Carpenter wedding and wrote about it all to save you all 110 minutes of your life.
So once the countdown ends, the music winds down and we get a logo on screen. It’s a script NF where the top of the right line of the N trails into the F. I get the vibe and dig what they were going for, but the font is so frilly that the N almost looks like a W. And a W is not an N.
Immediately as the music ends a voice begins to speak. I transcribed all 172 words of what the voice said for you all. I think I want to give the voice a name. I shall call him Bill because he sounds like a Bill. Bill is playing the role of an airplane captain.
Good evening from the flight deck. This is your captain speaking. The local time on the maiden voyage in Maryville is now seven o’clock. Radar is telling us there are clear skies and nothing but young love, bright stars, and a brilliant moon in sight on this summer evening.
As your captain, I would like to take this opportunity to welcome every passenger aboard as the Carpenters take flight. We have crossed the plains of Illinois and passed over the Smoky Mountains. We are cruising along at a high level of love here at the Maryville Miracle.
We will begin our descent in the next few minutes. We ask that you keep your seats for the duration of the flight. Put all mobile devices on airplane mode as the crew encourages you to photograph special moments, and the beautiful scenery, without a flash. Be sure to use the hashtag #carpenterstakeflight.
But for now, sit back, relax, and prepare to fly to the moon with Nolan and Flannery. The Carpenters are taking flight.
And now, after 6:04 of the pregame show, we have our first shot of actual homo sapiens. There are many on a stage under an airplane. And this fucker looks like a pretty legit sized prop plane. Plane number is N6520F. It looks like there is a crescent moon design on the tailfin. A nice tip of the hat to their Muslim friends in attendance.
Now there’s a piano and a gentle voice picked up by a hot mic “1...2...3”
Pretty basic piano melody.
Camera pans and for the first time we see the whole stage. There are currently 15 people on said stage, and all but one is wearing either grey or black. There are numerous facsimilies of local flora on stage. I’m no botanist so I don’t know what they are but they seem unnecessary. Maybe some roses would have been a better touch.
The band runs three deep with keys, guitar, and drums all accounted for.
They’re singing something I’m assuming is pretty jesus-y because the singer is talking about astrological bodies and rising up.
As this happens a family enters. Nothing too crazy with the dress.
Oh, and now more family comes in as the backup singers join in singing the lyric “stand by me” on loop. Maybe the “stand by” was tying in with the plane theme? Also, they aren’t good singers. Not terrible, but just one degree off from being good.
Second set of family takes their seats. One guy is in denim overalls.
It’s a nice crowd in there. Social distancing? Pfft….whatever.
More standing by me as older family couple comes in. Man in a suit, woman in a dress that looks like duct tape with some lace.
Fucking hell, is every woman in this wedding wearing grey dresses?
FUCKING HELL IT’S ANOTHER GREY DRESS.
Oh look, a black couple in the back of the theater.
Finally a woman comes in wearing red dress but also a black peacoat over top.
Still standing by me on the stage.
More older relatives. More grey dresses. I get that grey/silver goes with anything but come on, man.
Lots of relatives getting solo aisle entrances coming down to the pews.
The lyrics are being projected onto the back wall of the theater for the singers to see.
More important family walking in now. Homeboy wearing a white pinstripe suit. Older female relative on his arm is somehow in a dress that’s both floral and giving off grey vibes. It’s also shiny.
We are currently 11:45 in and no longer standing by me.
“Greetings in the precious name of Jesus…” finally, shit’s about to pop off.
So the guy giving this welcome address is named Mark and is listed as a “friend of the groom”. If he was under 50 I’d be stunned. Not a bad blue suit though. He’s reading from an iPad and talking about an “apostolic wedding celebration.”
“I have been asked to reassure everyone in the house that you can be content and secure in the knowledge that this is truly an apostolic wedding celebration. Now you heard a little but lemme tell ya...when apostolics assemble for anything we like to worship to get comfortable.” - What a story Mark.
“Now I make you two promises: I’m not gonna preach and I’m not gonna receive an offering,” Mark said while preaching. The crowd laughed at this comment too.
Also, that fucking plane, man. Any wide shot looks like it’s two frames away from showing up on LiveLeak because a prop plane crashed through the building. But nope, that plane is supposed to be there.
So we’re almost a quarter hour in and the words “Nolan” and “Flannery” have not been said yet.
Mark is giving us the definition of what a “ceremony” is. He’s promising that care and attention have been given to every detail of the event.
Well shit, he said “Nolan and Flannery” at 14:14. I guess that means each family is given two free touchdowns at the next football game.
Can someone answer me this question: what the fuck is this? For real. He just said “the primary purpose tonight is to give glory and praise to god as they take marriage vows to each other and before almighty god.” I don’t get this shit. Why does sky daddy get a third ring in every fucking wedding? I feel so bad for every young couple roped into this shit because they’re gonna have so many doors closed for them in life for no reason other than falling in line.
Mark referred to Apostolic marriage and its “uniqueness to commitment”. Bitch, please. Moment homeboy can’t get his dick wet he’ll unique his way inside another woman and commit to praying forgiveness.
Talking about Jesus performing miracles now. We gonna talk about how Jesus said you gotta hate everyone in your family to be a true follower of him (books of Matthew and Luke)?
“I submit to you, if you wanna have a miraculous marriage you ought to invite Jesus to your wedding first.” Yo Mark, you into BDSM too? I know some great websites to get toys.
Poor piano player playing the same three chords again and again as Mark continues to drivel on. He’s talking about wedding garments now.
He’s talking about Nolan Carpenter now and how godly he is. He’s so fucking godly, you don’t even know. He finally talks about Flannery. The words “beautiful” and “handmaiden” are in the first sentence.
They’re both servants of god apparently.
And now they are all standing. He is beckoning everyone to thank god.
Hallelujah. Everyone is now standing and got their hands in the air.
Another pastor boy has the mic and imploring everyone by saying “Jesus again and again.”
Oh fuck, they’re singing again. The song is specifically about God. “I just want to say I love you more than anything”. Nice lyric. Please look in your wife and children’s eyes and say that.
There was a basketball player named God Shammgod. Pretty good point guard. He played ball at Providence College, a Catholic university. Just leaving that here while they say so many nice things about him.
Now there’s this weird aerial camera over the stage. Fuck, I’m just realizing that there’s like five or six cameras involved in this. That’s more than some low-level TV sports events.
The video is now 20 minutes in and is going 110 minutes. The bride and groom have still never been seen. What the fuck is this shit?
Bro, I get it, you love Jesus.
This song has no verses. It’s just the chorus again and again and again.
The production value on this is ridiculous. It’s legit good television from a production standpoint. I’m genuinely impressed.
Now a third man has the microphone and the first thing he says is “Lord, we love you more than life itself.” Fuck, it’s so creepy and culty. He also has a low-rent Trump haircut.
We love you Jesus. He’s seig heiling with his left hand to praise Jesus as we are singing again.
During these song breaks I’m just gonna drop YouTube recommendations because it’s all the same thing again and again. Go watch Mustard and learn about commercial aviation, it’s dope as fuck.
Trump hairboy actually has a great voice. It’s a singing voice that would do well on Broadway. I’m sure he’d fit in with that crowd.
We’ve passed 25 minutes and the couple is still nowhere to be found.
Another youtube channel I guess. SteveMRE1989. He eats old military MREs. It’s great. He even ate civil war hardtack once. Excellent calm, chill videos.
Oh, I forgot to mention that the last two songs have had the lyrics at the bottom of the screen like karaoke. At least the music is orchestrated well. It’s boring, but it’s not bad.
28 minutes in.
29 minutes in and we have a shift change.
Here come more women down the aisle wearing grey.
OH FUCK ALL OF YOU. THEY’RE WALKING IN TO LUCKY BY JASON MRAZ. MY LADY AND I PICKED THAT FOR OUR FIRST DANCE FOR OUR WEDDING IN NOVEMBER. ALL YALL CAN CHOKE ON YOUR GREY FUCKING DRESSES. LIKE, TAKE ALL YOUR SHIT, PUT IT IN A BAG, AND EAT IT.
LIKE, I’M NOT JOKING HERE I’M KINDA PISSED OFF HERE. BUT THEN AGAIN, THESE PEOPLE ARE NO ONE TO ME AND THE PEOPLE COVERING IT ARE KINDA GOOD SINGERS. FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE, WHY ARE YOU WEARING GREY FOR BRIDESMAIDS!
I’m not stoned enough tonight people.
Oh hey, Bill’s back with another announcement.
This is your captain again. Summer love is here. Stargazing is abundant and love has filled the air. The bride is close. Every flight needs an all-star crew to help, and #carpenterstakeflight is no exception.
The mission would not be possible without Windsor steering the three co-pilots Bo, Hampton, and Leo.
At this point the camera cuts to the flower girl pulling two infants in on a plane-shaped wagon and toddler in a captain’s outfit with a clear “Da fuck do I do now” look on his face. One of the infants is trying to eat his sunglasses.
Their navigation skills are brilliant. Pilots always seem to be surrounded by lovely ladies, and take notice that we have turned the fasten seatbelt sign on as London, Lucy, and Laila prepare the way for our bride. Prepare to be starstruck as we see the bride approaching just over the horizon.
Flower girls enter.
Someone is wearing a mask.
More singing but the bride is coming. 34 minutes into the proceedings.
All the women up there are holding these star-shaped hand basket things? I don’t know. It’s definitely not flowers.
AND AT 35:40 WE HAVE OUR BRIDE.
And production immediately goes into a split box with Nolan on the left, Flannery and her parents on the right, and the wedding hashtag below.
It’s been 37:30 and the ceremony is now ready to begin.
Yet another pastor is at the podium speaking. Y’all remember Ned’s Declassified School Survival guide? Remember the science teacher? This guy looks like him but way shorter, stockier, and with the messiest pocket square I ever done seen. Like bro, you’re gonna be shot by five different cameras and you stuck your pocket square in like you were crumpling toilet paper to wipe your ass. Go back to helping Ned, Cookie, and Moze, ya goon.
So apparently pocket square man, the same man who asks “Who giveth this woman to be married to this man” is the bride’s grandfather. His name is Derold.
And now Flannery is passed off like a baton in a relay.
Oh fuck, more singing.
Yeah, the dress is weird but I’ve seen weirder and you know you have too.
Jesus christ, start the wedding.
Ok, another Youtube channel….um…..Paleas. I won’t tell you what it is. Just trust me. Start at episode one and keep going. He’s digging something.
Derold is running the actual ceremony and has asked people to bow their heads.
Ok, now, 40:35 in, I am finally confident in saying that the wedding is beginning. I think this is the third time I’ve done it, but this is real shit now. Nuptials. Matrimony. Knot tying time.
After hellos, first thing Derold says is “this is the first grandbaby that’s left mattoon* (I can’t fully grasp that word) and that’s tough.”
“And another carpenter said it’s hard to giveaway sons too.” polite laughter from everyone. Fucking hell, it’s so gross how this feels so much like a meat auction. Yes sir, we are giving away these prized young cuts.
I count 30 people right now on the stage. Between the couple, the pastors, the bridal party, the toddlers, the band. Got damn. At least the plane is watching over everyone. Is god a plane?
Derold is crying tears of joy, not sadness. I know that because he said that.
Story time. He’s talking about a praying mother who loved missionaries and how god laid the nation of Peru on her heart...which I’m sure means she just wanted to travel to Lima or the Inca ruins (I’m probably giving too much credit that they know the Inca tribe but I digress).
“She began to become a prayer warrior for the country of Peru.” - That’s a thing that was said.
As Derold begins to tear up telling this story the camera cuts to one of the toddlers trying to walk off the stage. One of the adults fixes his hat and gently coaxes him back toward the airplane wagon. I hope this event doesn’t give him a “problem child” moniker.
Story continues with the woman’s son crying and asking where is Peru and mother calls out “Oh no god, not my son. So sometimes the things we pray for don’t always work the way we think they are going to, but I’m so glad that you’re in the will of god today.”
Hol up. So what the fuck was the deal with the Peru story? Is no one noticing how the mother was like “oh no god, my son is questioning why I’m abandoning him to fly halfway around the world to preach.” and then Derold just moves the story along. That quote above was said in one chunk. Fucking colonizers.
“We’re marrying families, not just two young people that love god.” Question Derold….do they love each other? Does that matter? Or is your mind just set on a godly phallus producing you a great grandchild? Just checking.
First verse being read in the 43rd minute. Jeremiah 33:11.
“Voices are simply words.” - No, none of y’all get context on that one.
So thoughts eventually grow to become your destiny. Yo, I can get behind that to an extent.
SO MUCH GREY CLOTHING!!!!!
Derold’s tearing up talking about his granddaughter and how both their families prayed that their kids would be called to the ministry. 1-800-PREACH1 Act now.
There’s something so powerfully warm and human about a wedding and watching the youth in your family grow. And I see flashes of that and then it gets buried so quickly under “will of god” stuff. It’s depressing to see so much of the intrinsic humanity suppressed.
Derold talking about how Nolan’s friends wanted to bust his balls and he said no, and says nice things about him. I respect that. Bust balls at the reception, not the ceremony.
“You will provide well for my grandbaby.” - I mean...they can provide together for each other.
Derold is listing off both their accomplishments as reasons they’re good for each other. Like, how does her basketball skill matter here? Why do either of their degrees matter? Oh, and of course after the accomplishments we praise the lord.
Whole crowd sayd “god bless Nolan and Flannery.” Then they raise the hand and say “Praise the lord”.
Ok, Derold is done in the 50th minute.
Who the fuck is this guy talking now? Oh….Nolan’s father. Kenneth.
Ken goes on about how both family churches “accepted the challenge that COVID-19 brought” to work together to make this dream wedding happen.
Fuck, this is so weird. This is your son, Ken. He’s talking so disengaged right now, like he’s preaching on a regular Sunday. It just doesn’t feel like a real thing here.
“Nolan, your mother and I knew at your birth, on April 18, 1997, that god had his hands on your life.” - Great parenting to let someone touch your newborn Ken.
So Ken is just blabbering on about how his son is so great preaching the gospel and his calling and all that and then he says “There are guest ministers her tonight that have traveled from all over the United States all because of the great value that they see in you Nolan, and in you Flannery.” - The last thing I would ever, EVER want someone to say at my wedding is ‘because of the great value they see in me’. 1: Great Value is Wal-mart’s store brand so fuck that. 2: I’m not an auction item. 3: The “great value” isn’t stated so i’m gonna believe the implication is solely that they value that you’re two good-looking young adults that can convince other young people to join the flock. That’s all. So gross.
And now I notice that one of the grey-dress ladies is holding an orange on stage. That’s all. She’s holding an orange. Do pentecostal women carry citrus with them? No one else is holding citrus. Why does she have an orange? Is she gonna destroy the plane with the orange? Oh shit, Flannery was also born on April 18 but in 2001. So now she never even gets a birthday to herself. I guess that’s on brand for this flavor of folk.
Second verse reading, from the book of Isaiah this time.
And now, for the first time, Ken’s voice breaks. You can hear the emotion in his voice as he looks at his son and says “As your father tonight, and as your pastor tonight, I rejoice that the union of you two is going to cause the kingdom of god to increase and not diminish, and to that I am very thankful.”
Hey Ken...quick word….your kid has value beyond just being a Christian.
Oh hey, orange lady is now speaking at the podium. It’s like a clown car of preaching and teaching tonight. She is the aunt of the bride and her name is Lisa. Until she explains the reasoning of her orange I’m calling her Citrus.
She compliments how beautiful everyone looks.
As Citrus talks about stories from when Flannery was a child. Don’t know. Don’t care. All-consumed by this orange on the podium stand. WHY?!!
She tells a story about when her “little foo foo” decided to stop breathing when she was a year old. They didn’t know what to do...so they prayed.
So the story ends with an older male family member grabbing young Flannery, turning her upside down, and “beating her on the back until you gasped for breath again.” A thought….just a quick one...maybe use different language other than “beating” when preaching at a wedding.
Ok, so Citrus is giving Nolan the orange. “I wanted to give you something special today that will help you reach your final destination in marriage which is friendship and intimacy with Nolan, learning from life’s moments that you are given, and then having a like-mindedness and thriving in your ministry together.”
Well that’s not weird and creepy and high-key “wut da fuck”.
BUT WHY THE FUCKING ORANGE!
We’ve just passed the hour mark oh fuck we’re quoting Romans now.
Citrus, you can’t just give someone an orange at a major gathering and not immediately explain it. I just noticed that Citrus is the only female speaker today. I guess the book of Timothy has a token exception for silent women.
“Working on the inward man can only take place in a prayer closet, Flannery. Shut away with Jesus every day. Giving him full access to change, rearrange, and totally transform you into what he wants.” - I’m gonna fucking shower.
Quoting Galatians now.
So the camera pulls back to show the full room and apparently Nolan gives Citrus back her orange.
“Your hands are sweaty, bro. Lord, this orange is HOT.” and then she laughs like a witch in a Halloween movie that thinks she has the kids cornered. And as she laughs the camera cuts in real close on Nolan’s face as he tries to keep a brave smile but you can tell he’s embarrassed. Fuck you Citrus and your stupid duct tape gown. Go to 1:03:00 to see this and hear that laugh. I hope Citrus stubs her toe every day for a year.
“This orange. Every time you see this orange you’re going to be changed here today. Never be the same. When you open it up there are numerous slices so imagine that each slice of the orange is one aspect of the fruit of the spirit. The original Greek word for fruit in Galatians 5 is karpos, and one definition means “a result of something.”
So is that the meaning of the orange? You know what, I know I said I’d stop calling her Citrus once she explains it but I don’t like her so she’s staying as Citrus in this cinematic universe.
“We were fortunate enough this morning to have some girl time together and your mom mentioned the word ‘manufacture’ which is so appropriate for today and the days ahead” Well shit, back to take another shower again to wash that one off me.
Now she’s talking about how not every day in marriage is perfect. Some days are full of “turbulence, flight delays, and even cancellations.” I hate you Citrus.
The idea is to bear the fruit of the spirit and staying connected to Jesus. “To manufacture this fruit involves the difficult task of denying self every day.”
“Foo foo, manufacture love. I’ve seen you love god and others by the way you serve. Now apply this to your marriage, and be selfless, giving, and devoted to putting Nolan’s needs above your needs.” - Bleh.
The whole gist of this is “Flannery, you gotta manufacture everything you want in life but you best not want anything Nolan doesn’t because that shit don’t matter.”
44 more minutes of this.
As she’s preaching she’s holding up the orange. She’s almost about to cry. Last thing Citrus says references Nolan as “flannery’s pilot.” go squeeze that orange into your eye, you goon.
And now trump hair boy is back. He is the groom’s brother-in-law. And why yes...his name is indeed Chad.
Chad is way older than nolan, like I’d say at least a decade older if not more, and his preaching is already sounding more fatherly than brotherly.
Man, the insidious framing of all of this. “Flannery, we all love you and we’re so glad that he chose such a perfect bride.” It completely takes away her agency and existence. Ugh.
Chad is talking about protecting Nolan from his mean sisters as a kid. Good lord, the bridesmaids dresses. Definitely in the grey family but then the shoulder overlay (shawl?) is just covered in shiny plasticy stars. What?
Oh, and now we’re making fun of Nolan’s childhood speech impediment. Thanks Chad. Chad in one sentence talks about helping Nolan say words correctly. In the next sentence he talks about joining in one the teasing. This guy sucks, and he has the body language of someone who thinks he’s sooooooooooooooooo funny.
Next story starts with a tale about Nolan’s toy pop gun as a kid and then Chad drops this gem.
“I don’t know how you understood what was going on, but you would watch Fox News, and every time they put a picture of Osama Bin Laden up there the little guy would go book it to his toy closet, would grab that little pop rifle, and he would just stand in front of the TV ‘pop!’ ‘pop!’ ‘pop!’”
Crowd laughed pretty good at that one.
Now he’s talking about them playing basketball against each other and how Nolan would excel at everything he put his mind to. And he tells how Nolan started to beat him at basketball despite being so much younger than him. He’s playing it for laughs but he’s not happy with this.
Chad was Nolan’s first drum teacher. “And once again I decided that this 10-year-old is NOT going to be a better drummer than me. He’s 10. Come on, gimme a break, he’s 10 years old. So then I retired from my drumsticks because whatever you set your mind to you excelled. It was sickening to the rest of us, but you excelled at everything you did and then god called you into the ministry.”
Yo Chad...do you like Nolan? That’s not a rhetorical question. That jealousy and anger wasn’t even hidden there. Why are you here if you don’t like this dude?
Chad says that Nolan can minister to anyone. That’s cool I guess.
He even makes a reference how he checked his phone before the ceremony and talks about how there’s over a thousand people watching. That would make me lose my mind.
“My wife and I have a passion and a calling to teach young people about the necessity of purity.” - That’s nice to hear.
Chad goes on about his wife and him travelling the country teaching people about purity and Nolan traveled with them as their drummer when he was like 11. Wow. Chad is so proud that purity was ingrained in Nolan’s mind. Ooof.
Everything about purity is gross.
“There’s many brides that walk down aisles as you have. They walk down the aisle to a good-looking, talented, muscular groom, but you, sweet sister-in-law, are about to receive a gift today that most brides don’t have the privilege to receive. The gift that far exceeds good lucks and muscles and talent, it’s the gift of purity.” - His voice cracked as he said this and then reads the purity card that Nolan signed as a teenager.
“My signature means that I will accept no substitutes, no lies, no imitations of real love. From this day forward I promise to protect my heart and my body for my future spouse. For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health I forsake all others, in parenthesis it says and my hormones, for the person I will marry.”
“These cards mean more than anything else could mean to a young woman.” - God damn it’s so gross. Everything is so gross and disgusting with how they’re talking to Flannery.
And now Chad is finally ending. Good. He’s so gross. And he not so subtly hates his brother-in-law.
Finally into the final half hour of the proceedings now. And they not turn to look at each other and hold each other’s right hands. Looks like a real bad handshake.
Kenneth’s back to actually marry the two of them.
So they’re now legally married. The rings are on the fingers. There is still 27 minutes left of this video.
A booming female voice comes over the speakers: “L..I..F..E..LIFE! I want to spell and speak the things that bring life. Life, can we just say it, LIFE! L...I...F...E. LIFE! LIFE! GOD LET US SPEAK LIFE! LET US SPEAK LIFE I PRAY TODAY OH GOD! IF DEATH AND LIFE ARE IN THE POWER OF THE TONGUE GOD, LET US SPEAK LIFE!
This woman is screaming this at this point. Got damn is she loud and the piano is playing so I expect a song here. Maybe it’ll be Defying Gravity.
“GOD LET US USE OUR TONGUE IN EVERY WAY YOU MEANT IT TO BE USED. FOR POWER AND FOR AUTHORITY, OH GOD. - apparently the loud screaming voice was Flannery’s grandmother.
Now another pastor is speaking? The marriage is over. They’re hitched. This is Cory, the father of the bride.
Cory is quite boring.
Next guy walks up. His name is Shine. He is Flannery’s uncle.
Are any of these people funny? They’re all laughing at stuff but nothing is funny.
Shine retells the story of infant Flannery not being able to breathe and how everyone was panicking and didn’t know what to do, but ole Shine knew.
“I just grabbed ya and whacked ya as hard as I can.” (looks up at Nolan) “And if you need me to do that again I’m glad to help you out.” - I said “WHAT THE FUCK” out loud by myself on the couch when I heard that. Holy fucking shit this guy is an absolute dirtball. And the whole crowd, Flannery included, laughed at the comment. She’s in for a shit life.
Everything he’s saying boils down to “Flannery, save your time and emotions and energy and save them for Nolan and god.” Damn shame she’s never gonna have anything for herself.
Fuck you Shine, you dirtball little shit. He sure does like pump his own tires. He even called himself “the poem master.”
He is reciting the absolute worst poem I’ve ever heard. He thinks he’s spitting bars. He’s just shooting blanks.
“Tough times will come and they must be braved / I know Nolan’s mom will make sure he’s shaved / So get over your problems like they’re microwaved.”
I’m sure if Shine read this he would take the criticism well. Well, Shine, in case you do read this, you can’t write creatively because you think that you’re existence is all the creativity that you need. No, you need to take time to experience the world. But please, proudly keep talking about the time you beat on an infant. Jackass.
The families are now coming together to pray for the couple. Everyone walks right up to them and now people are screaming as they put their hands on the couple. The piano music swells. People are scat singing now. Tears are shed. Voices crack. I’m scared. Some man has two fingers on Flannery’s forehead. EVERYONE IS SCAT SINGING!!! Holy shit this is wild. Now someone is singing with the music outside of the crazy family. This is the least socially distant thing I’ve seen this pandemic. Religion like this needs to be in the DSM because this ain’t right. Is that a hand on Nolan’s neck now? I see you in the back there Chad, not doing anything. You can’t escape me you loser.
God dam, that was scary to see. That was horror movie unsettling. They’re both still going as the backup singers just keep saying “amen” over and over. Holy shit. And now everyone returns like nothing happened.
Kenneth finally presents them as a couple after 102 minutes of this.
The kiss is quite nice. Standard wedding kiss.
No Kenneth, do not offer another prayer, please. Please stop.
They turn. People cheer. She’s doomed to a life of being second class.
And now the couple walks up the aisle together arm in arm. And the band starts playing everyone out like it’s the end of Saturday Night Live.
Our Take: HP Reverb G1 v G2 v Quest 2
TLDR: Pretty much agree with Norman from Tested in the review posted yesterday, with some additional notes on comparison to G1 and Q2.
Background: Previously owned a Rift CV1, Quest 1, & HP Reverb G1. I've also used a Rift S, Vive, and Vive Pro. We play a pretty even split between roomscale and seated simulator games. Beat Saber, HLA, IL-2, Elite Dangerous, and Project Cars 2 are my main games, but my wife mostly plays short single-player VR only titles like The Room, Down the Rabbit Hole, etc. We've had both the G2 and a DAS-modded Q2 for about week to compare, with intention of keeping the one we like better.
PC Specs: I9-9900k, Z390 Maximus XI Hero, RTX 3080 FE, 32 GB 3200MHz RAM, M.2 SSD, Asus RT-AX86U WiFi 6 Router. PC is water-cooled in Fractal R6 case that in total weighs about 40 lbs.
Environment: We currently live in a ~1400 ft^2 house with lots of small rooms. My PC normally lives in my office which is small room with an 8ft ceiling. I have an IPD of 64mm and I'm 6ft 3in tall with long arms. This is important for context later on...
OrdeShipping Notes: I pre-ordered from Connection on 5/29 within minutes of the orders going live. When orders started shipping on 11/11, my order stayed in "open." On the 12th after seeing no change I called Connection and was informed that several of the early orders were put on a "hold" status for some unknown reason and that my headset would be shipped in the next batch. I requested expedited shipping to compensate for the delay so they gave me next day air delivery at no charge. Can't complain too much other than I wish I had known there was an issue with my order...
Panel/Lenses: Compared to the G1, the lenses on the G2 are definitely an improvement, but the panel changes are more noticeable. The clarity in the sweet spot is slightly better (like 5-10%), but the larger sweet spot (feels like 50-75% larger) is more noticeable. In driving or flying sims, you're not going be reading text at like twice the distance you were before or anything like that, but you won't have to look quite as directly at a sign to read it. The colors and brightness on the G2 are way better, definitely more vibrant. The G1 looks a bit washed out in comparison. In Elite Dangerous, I almost need to look away from stars after a jump just because of how bright they are. It's difficult to overstate how awesome the G2 panel is. Definitely would pick it over a 1080p monitor. In terms of clarity, I would rank them G2>G1>Q2, but they are are all decently close to each other. In terms of colors, I would say G2>Q2>G1 with more noticeable differences. With the G2 there is virtually no SDE even when I'm looking for it in the sweet spot.
Quest 2 PCVR: I had a surprisingly good experience running Quest 2 Link in V23 with 90Hz at the default resolution. When I tried the Q1 with link in the Apr 2020, the compression, lower panel resolution, and 72Hz just produced unplayable experience in E:D for me. The Q2 with this last update is a completely different animal. Very smooth with very minimal compression. Honestly if I had to put a number on it, I'd say the G2 picture was about 15-20% better; noticeable, but not game-changing. Compared to the G2, the Q2 has a little bit of SDE, but I only notice it if I look for it. The sweet spot is smaller on the Q2 as well. Fairly comparable to the G1. We also tried Virtual Desktop with some roomscale games and were very impressed. Held a 30-40ms lag that was almost imperceptible. Might be deal breaker for competitive gamers, but for single-player it's very playable.
Speakers: The G1 speakers weren't terrible in my ears, but they weren't anything special. The G2 was much better. The depth and soundstage were impressive and wouldn't really see the need to replace them unless you wanted noise cancellation. Note that I did have issues with one of my G2 speakers. It would only work when turned to certain positions, frequently cutting out when I tried to adjust it. I removed and reseated it a couple times, but it didn't fix the issue. The built in Q2 speakers, while better than the Q1, are pretty hollow, but the DAS speakers are pretty much on par with the G2.
Headset Comfort: The G2 is by far the most comfortable VR headset we've tried out of the box. Honestly, the G1 is pretty good too but the cable can get annoying during quick head movements. The G2 cable is a huge improvement. When arranged well or hung from the ceiling, it feels like you are wireless. The Q2 stock is atrocious. The DAS mod makes it much better, but the extra weight would still be noticeable in longer play sessions. If you care about light from the nose area, the G2 is really great. Completely blacked out but I didn't feel any pressure on my nose. The nose cutout area is bigger than the G1, if that was a problem for you. The Q2 has a lot of light bleed, but honestly it didn't bother me that much.
Controllers: I like the button layout of the G2 over the G1, but that's pretty much the only positive thing I can say about them. The haptic feedback (vibration) is the same as the G1 which is, in a word, anemic. They make a lot of noise, but don't actually create convincing feedback. Swiping through blocks in Beat Saber just feels so hollow with the G1 and G2 controller. The lack of capacitive touch was also disheartening. In games where your hands are the primary interaction tools, the Oculus Touch controllers are just way more immersive and satisfying to use. Also, the ring placement on the G2 controllers makes my arm reach about 2 inches further than the Q2, which is problem for me when it comes to ceiling fans and room boundaries.
Tracking: The G2 tracking area is better on the side than the G1, so throwing and horizontal swinging is much better. The vertical tracking area is about the same though, with particular problems around waste level. In both Reverb headsets, if I let my arms hang naturally I would frequently lose tracking on one or both controllers if I was looking directly forward, or up. This isn't the end of world in and of itself, but sometimes when the WMR software loses tracking it will erroneously move or twist your virtual controller to completely different part of the screen. Very immersion breaking, and sometimes would take a few seconds or a pause to resolve. The Q2 tracking in comparison is virtually flawless. A couple small misses here and there, but they quickly fixed themselves without doing a huge virtual dance off.
Software: We are definitely not big FB fans, but when it comes to software support, Oculus has it's act together. Of the three OS and menu environments (Oculus, Steam VR, & WMR), Oculus is just way farther ahead of the other two. The menus and home environments are very stable, easy to use, and have a lot of nice built in features. The double-tap passthrough is a lifesaver when it comes to interacting with objects and small children around your play area. With MWR and Steam VR, I have to walk guests through everything and frequently stop to troubleshoot. My wife has about a 50% success rate in getting it set up with out me. With the Quest, I can pretty much hand them the handset, tell them how to find the tutorial, and away they go. The Quest Guardian setup is just leagues beyond WMR boundary system. Literally just walk into a room, draw a circle with the headset on, then boom, your done. It even remembers the area when you go back to it. The WMR setup is bit more laborious and will sometimes forget your area even if you don't move your setup. One area that Steam VR handily beats Oculus though is game cost. Paying $30 for a three year old, 45 minute VR title to play only the Quest is bit absurd. Thank goodness for Steam sales and Virtual Desktop.
Ease of Movement: So there are no surprises here, but the Q2 is really the best option if you need to move your play area somewhat frequently. A solid gaming laptop or well managed SFF PC might work too, but even then you are still dealing with cables and guardian areas. With my smallish office space, I frequently need to move my PC to play roomscale VR without worrying about hitting something (usually the ceiling fan). But that means I have to move my entire PC to a different room when I want to use it for roomscale VR. Using built-in games or VD on the Q2 means I can just hop over to a different room play in a different room with minimal setup.
Our Decision: We're keeping the Quest 2 and returning the G2. It was super painful boxing up the G2 to return back to Connection after seeing how beautiful the picture was, but for our usage case, the Q2 just makes more sense. I can't afford to spend 20 of 90 minutes of playtime moving a PC around and dealing with software problems. The question for us was not, "Is the G2 good?" It was, "how close can the Q2 get visually to G2?" For us, the answer is "close enough."
Recommendation: For those that pre-ordered the G2 or are still considering it, I would highly recommend still getting it and trying out for yourself. Only you are going to know what level of tracking and visual experience is going to be satisfactory to you. If you find Facebook's terms and policies tolerable, maybe give the Q2 with PCVR a shot as well.
EDIT: Added more details on Q2 visual differences from G2