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The term Holism was coined by J C Smuts in Holism and Evolution. It was Smuts' opinion that Holism is a concept that represents all of the wholes in the universe, and these wholes are the real factors in the universe. Further, that Holism also denoted a theory of the universe in the same vein as Materialism and Spiritualism.:120–121
The derived adjective holistic has been applied to a wide range of fields where they incorporate the concept of holism. For example, New Age is religious holism while New Thought is spiritual holism.
Synopsis of Holism and Evolution Edit
After identifying the need for reform in the fundamental concepts of matter, life and mind (chapter 1) Smuts examines the reformed concepts (as of 1926) of space and time (chapter 2), matter (chapter 3) and biology (chapter 4) and concludes that the close approach to each other of the concepts of matter, life and mind, and the partial overflow of each other's domain, implies that there is a fundamental principle (Holism) of which they are the progressive outcome.:86 Chapters 5 and 6 provide the general concept, functions and categories of Holism; chapters 7 and 8 address Holism with respect to Mechanism and Darwinism, chapters 9-11 make a start towards demonstrating the concepts and functions of Holism for the metaphysical categories (mind, personality, ideals) and the book concludes with a chapter that argues for the universal ubiquity of Holism and its place as a monistic ontology.
The following is an overview of Smuts' opinions regarding the general concept, functions, and categories of Holism; like the definition of Holism, other than the idea that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, the editor is unaware of any authoritative secondary sources corroborating Smuts' opinions.
Structure Edit Wholes are composites which have an internal structure, function or character which clearly differentiates them from mechanical additions, aggregates, and constructions, such as science assumes on the mechanical hypothesis.:106 The concept of structure is not confined to the physical domain (e.g. chemical, biological and artifacts); it also applies to the metaphysical domain (e.g. mental structures, properties, attributes, values, ideals, etc.):161
Field Edit The field of a whole is not something different and additional to it, it is the continuation of the whole beyond its sensible contours of experience.:113 The field characterizes a whole as a unified and synthesised event in the system of Relativity, that includes not only its present but also its past—and also its future potentialities.:89 As such, the concept of field entails both activity and structure.:115
Variation Edit Darwin's theory of organic descent placed primary emphasis on the role of natural selection but there would be nothing to select if not for variation. Variations that are the result of mutations in the biological sense and variations that are the result of individually acquired modifications in the personal sense are attributed by Smuts to Holism; further it was his opinion that because variations appear in complexes and not singly, evolution is more than the outcome of individual selections, it is holistic.:190–192
Regulation Edit The whole exhibits a discernible regulatory function as it relates to cooperation and coordination of the structure and activity of parts, and to the selection and deselection of variations. The result is a balanced correlation of organs and functions. The activities of the parts are directed to central ends; co-operation and unified action instead of the separate mechanical activities of the parts.:125
Creativity Edit It is the intermingling of fields which is creative or causal in nature. This is seen in matter, where if not for its dynamic structural creative character matter could not have been the mother of the universe. This function, or factor of creativity is even more marked in biology where the protoplasm of the cell is vitally active in an ongoing process of creative change where parts are continually being destroyed and replaced by new protoplasm. With minds the regulatory function of Holism acquires consciousness and freedom, demonstrating a creative power of the most far-reaching character. Holism is not only creative but self-creative, and its final structures are far more holistic than its initial structures.:18, 37, 67–68, 88–89
Causality Edit As it relates to causality Smuts makes reference to Whitehead, and indirectly Spinoza; the Whitehead premise is that organic mechanism is a fundamental process which realizes and actualizes individual syntheses or unities. Holism (the factor) exemplifies this same idea while emphasizing the holistic character of the process. The whole completely transforms the concept of Causality; results are not directly a function of causes. The whole absorbs and integrates the cause into its own activity; results appear as the consequence of the activity of the whole.:121–124,126 Note that this material relating to Whitehead's influence as it relates to causality was added in the second edition and, of course, will not be found in reprints of the first edition; nor is it included in the most recent Holst edition. It is the second edition of Holism and Evolution (1927) that provides the most recent and definitive treatment by Smuts.
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts Edit The fundamental holistic characters as a unity of parts which is so close and intense as to be more than the sum of its parts; which not only gives a particular conformation or structure to the parts, but so relates and determines them in their synthesis that their functions are altered; the synthesis affects and determines the parts, so that they function towards the whole; and the whole and the parts, therefore reciprocally influence and determine each other, and appear more or less to merge their individual characters: the whole is in the parts and the parts are in the whole, and this synthesis of whole and parts is reflected in the holistic character of the functions of the parts as well as of the whole.:88
Progressive grading of wholes Edit A "rough and provisional" summary of the progressive grading of wholes that comprise holism is as follows::109
Material structure e.g. a chemical compound Functional structure in living bodies Animals, which exhibit a degree of central control that is-primarily implicit and unconscious Personality, characterized as conscious central control States and similar group organizations characterized by central control that involves many people. Holistic Ideals, or absolute Values, distinct from human personality that are creative factors in the creation of a spiritual world, for example Truth, Beauty and Goodness. Indications of holism in philosophy Edit
Main articles: Confirmation holism and Semantic holism In philosophy, any doctrine that emphasizes the priority of a whole over its parts is holism. Some suggest that such a definition owes its origins to a non-holistic view of language and places it in the reductivist camp. Alternately, a 'holistic' definition of holism denies the necessity of a division between the function of separate parts and the workings of the 'whole'. Effectively this means that the concept of a part has no absolute foundation in observation, but is rather a result of a materialist structuring of reality based on the necessity of logical and distinct units as a means to deriving information through comparative analysis. It suggests that the key recognizable characteristic of a concept of 'true' holism is a sense of the fundamental truth of any particular experience. This exists in contradistinction to what is perceived as the reductivist reliance on inductive method as the key to verification of its concept of how the parts function within the whole. Equally the potential for recognising the clarity of holistic experience within the logical terms of maths is limited by the abstract nature of numbers. In terms of real life measurements numbers have no scale or dimensional properties so have to rely on experimentally verified units (e.g. inches, volts, calories etc.), to describe reality. It is this reliance on the holistic integrity of experience which leads to the recognition that intuitive perception rather than mathematical calculation is the source of the truth of effective theories. (See references Holism, 2016.)
Philosophy of language Edit In the philosophy of language this becomes the claim, called semantic holism, that the meaning of an individual word or sentence can only be understood in terms of its relations to a larger body of language, even a whole theory or a whole language. In the philosophy of mind, a mental state may be identified only in terms of its relations with others. This is often referred to as "content holism" or "holism of the mental". This notion involves the philosophies of such figures as Frege, Wittgenstein, and Quine.
Epistemological and confirmation holism Edit Epistemological and confirmation holism are mainstream ideas in contemporary philosophy.
Ontological holism Edit Ontological holism was espoused by David Bohm in his theory on the implicate and explicate order.
Hegel Edit Hegel rejected "the fundamentally atomistic conception of the object," (Stern, 38) arguing that "individual objects exist as manifestations of indivisible substance-universals, which cannot be reduced to a set of properties or attributes; he therefore holds that the object should be treated as an ontologically primary whole." (Stern, 40) In direct opposition to Kant, therefore, "Hegel insists that the unity we find in our experience of the world is not constructed by us out of a plurality of intuitions." (Stern, 40) In "his ontological scheme a concrete individual is not reducible to a plurality of sensible properties, but rather exemplifies a substance universal." (Stern, 41) His point is that it is "a mistake to treat an organic substance like blood as nothing more than a compound of unchanging chemical elements, that can be separated and united without being fundamentally altered." (Stern, 103) In Hegel's view, a substance like blood is thus "more of an organic unity and cannot be understood as just an external composition of the sort of distinct substances that were discussed at the level of chemistry." (Stern, 103) Thus in Hegel's view, blood is blood and cannot be successfully reduced to what we consider are its component parts; we must view it as a whole substance entire unto itself. This is most certainly a fundamentally holistic view.
Spinoza Edit The concept of holism played a pivotal role in Baruch Spinoza's philosophy
Indications of holism in physical science Edit
Main article: Holism in science Agriculture Edit There are several newer methods in agricultural science such as permaculture and holistic planned grazing (holistic management) that integrate ecology and social sciences with food production. Organic farming is sometimes considered a holistic approach.
Chaos and complexity Edit In the latter half of the 20th century, holism led to systems thinking and its derivatives. Systems in biology, psychology, or sociology are frequently so complex that their behavior is, or appears, "new" or "emergent": it cannot be deduced from the properties of the elements alone.
Holism has thus been used as a catchword. This contributed to the resistance encountered by the scientific interpretation of holism, which insists that there are ontological reasons that prevent reductive models in principle from providing efficient algorithms for prediction of system behavior in certain classes of systems.
Scientific holism holds that the behavior of a system cannot be perfectly predicted, no matter how much data is available. Natural systems can produce surprisingly unexpected behavior, and it is suspected that behavior of such systems might be computationally irreducible, which means it would not be possible to even approximate the system state without a full simulation of all the events occurring in the system. Key properties of the higher level behavior of certain classes of systems may be mediated by rare "surprises" in the behavior of their elements due to the principle of interconnectivity, thus evading predictions except by brute force simulation.
Complexity theory (also called "science of complexity") is a contemporary heir of systems thinking. It comprises both computational and holistic, relational approaches towards understanding complex adaptive systems and, especially in the latter, its methods can be seen as the polar opposite to reductive methods. General theories of complexity have been proposed, and numerous complexity institutes and departments have sprung up around the world. The Santa Fe Institute is arguably the most famous of them.
The Earth seen from Apollo 17. See also: Holistic community Holistic thinking is often applied to ecology, combining biological, chemical, physical, economic, ethical, and political insights. The complexity grows with the area, so that it is necessary to reduce the characteristic of the view in other ways, for example to a specific time of duration.
John Muir, Scots born early American conservationist, wrote "When we try to pick out anything by itself we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe".
More information is to be found in the field of systems ecology, a cross-disciplinary field influenced by general systems theory.
Medicine Edit In primary care the term "holistic," has been used to describe approaches that take into account social considerations and other intuitive judgements. The term holism, and so-called approaches, appear in psychosomatic medicine in the 1970s, when they were considered one possible way to conceptualize psychosomatic phenomena. Instead of charting one-way causal links from psyche to soma, or vice versa, it aimed at a systemic model, where multiple biological, psychological and social factors were seen as interlinked.
Other, alternative approaches in the 1970s were psychosomatic and somatopsychic approaches, which concentrated on causal links only from psyche to soma, or from soma to psyche, respectively. At present it is commonplace in psychosomatic medicine to state that psyche and soma cannot really be separated for practical or theoretical purposes. A disturbance on any level—somatic, psychic, or social—will radiate to all the other levels, too. In this sense, psychosomatic thinking is similar to the biopsychosocial model of medicine.
Many alternative medicine practitioners claim a holistic approach to healing.
Neurology Edit A lively debate has run since the end of the 19th century regarding the functional organization of the brain. The holistic tradition (e.g., Pierre Marie) maintained that the brain was a homogeneous organ with no specific subparts whereas the localizationists (e.g., Paul Broca) argued that the brain was organized in functionally distinct cortical areas which were each specialized to process a given type of information or implement specific mental operations. The controversy was epitomized with the existence of a language area in the brain, nowadays known as the Broca's area.
Indications of holism in social science Edit
Architecture Edit Architecture is often argued by design academics and those practicing in design to be a holistic enterprise. Used in this context, holism tends to imply an all-inclusive design perspective. This trait is considered exclusive to architecture, distinct from other professions involved in design projects.
Branding Edit A holistic brand (also holistic branding) is considering the entire brand or image of the company. For example, a universal brand image across all countries, including everything from advertising styles to the stationery the company has made, to the company colours.
Economics Edit With roots in Schumpeter, the evolutionary approach might be considered the holist theory in economics. They share certain language from the biological evolutionary approach. They take into account how the innovation system evolves over time. Knowledge and know-how, know-who, know-what and know-why are part of the whole business economics. Knowledge can also be tacit, as described by Michael Polanyi. These models are open, and consider that it is hard to predict exactly the impact of a policy measure. They are also less mathematical.
Education reform Edit The Taxonomy of Educational Objectives identifies many levels of cognitive functioning, which can be used to create a more holistic education. In authentic assessment, rather than using computers to score multiple choice tests, a standards based assessment uses trained scorers to score open-response items using holistic scoring methods. In projects such as the North Carolina Writing Project, scorers are instructed not to count errors, or count numbers of points or supporting statements. The scorer is instead instructed to judge holistically whether "as a whole" is it more a "2" or a "3". Critics question whether such a process can be as objective as computer scoring, and the degree to which such scoring methods can result in different scores from different scorers.
Psychology Edit Psychology of perception Edit A major holist movement in the early twentieth century was gestalt psychology. The claim was that perception is not an aggregation of atomic sense data but a field, in which there is a figure and a ground. Background has holistic effects on the perceived figure. Gestalt psychologists included Wolfgang Koehler, Max Wertheimer, Kurt Koffka. Koehler claimed the perceptual fields corresponded to electrical fields in the brain. Karl Lashley did experiments with gold foil pieces inserted in monkey brains purporting to show that such fields did not exist. However, many of the perceptual illusions and visual phenomena exhibited by the gestaltists were taken over (often without credit) by later perceptual psychologists. Gestalt psychology had influence on Fritz Perls' gestalt therapy, although some old-line gestaltists opposed the association with counter-cultural and New Age trends later associated with gestalt therapy. Gestalt theory was also influential on phenomenology. Aron Gurwitsch wrote on the role of the field of consciousness in gestalt theory in relation to phenomenology. Maurice Merleau-Ponty made much use of holistic psychologists such as work of Kurt Goldstein in his "Phenomenology of Perception."
Teleological psychology Edit Alfred Adler believed that the individual (an integrated whole expressed through a self-consistent unity of thinking, feeling, and action, moving toward an unconscious, fictional final goal), must be understood within the larger wholes of society, from the groups to which he belongs (starting with his face-to-face relationships), to the larger whole of mankind. The recognition of our social embeddedness and the need for developing an interest in the welfare of others, as well as a respect for nature, is at the heart of Adler's philosophy of living and principles of psychotherapy.
Edgar Morin, the French philosopher and sociologist, can be considered a holist based on the transdisciplinary nature of his work.
Mel Levine, M.D., author of A Mind at a Time, and co-founder (with Charles R. Schwab) of the not-for-profit organization All Kinds of Minds, can be considered a holist based on his view of the 'whole child' as a product of many systems and his work supporting the educational needs of children through the management of a child's educational profile as a whole rather than isolated weaknesses in that profile.
Sociology Edit Anthropology Edit There is an ongoing dispute as to whether anthropology is intrinsically holistic. Supporters of this concept consider anthropology holistic in two senses. First, it is concerned with all human beings across times and places, and with all dimensions of humanity (evolutionary, biophysical, sociopolitical, economic, cultural, psychological, etc.) Further, many academic programs following this approach take a "four-field" approach to anthropology that encompasses physical anthropology, archeology, linguistics, and cultural anthropology or social anthropology.
Some leading anthropologists disagree, and consider anthropological holism to be an artifact from 19th century social evolutionary thought that inappropriately imposes scientific positivism upon cultural anthropology.
The term "holism" is additionally used within social and cultural anthropology to refer to an analysis of a society as a whole which refuses to break society into component parts. One definition says: "as a methodological ideal, holism implies ... that one does not permit oneself to believe that our own established institutional boundaries (e.g. between politics, sexuality, religion, economics) necessarily may be found also in foreign societies."
Émile Durkheim Edit Main article: Gemeinschaft and Gesellschaft See also: Ubuntu (philosophy) Émile Durkheim developed a concept of holism which he set as opposite to the notion that a society was nothing more than a simple collection of individuals. In more recent times, Louis Dumont has contrasted "holism" to "individualism" as two different forms of societies. According to him, modern humans live in an individualist society, whereas ancient Greek society, for example, could be qualified as "holistic", because the individual found identity in the whole society. Thus, the individual was ready to sacrifice himself or herself for his or her community, as his or her life without the polis had no sense whatsoever.
Cosmomorphism Edit The French Protestant missionary Maurice Leenhardt coined the term "cosmomorphism" to indicate the state of perfect symbiosis with the surrounding environment which characterized the culture of the Melanesians of New Caledonia. For these people, an isolated individual is totally indeterminate, indistinct, and featureless until he can find his position within the natural and social world in which he is inserted. The confines between the self and the world are annulled to the point that the material body itself is no guarantee of the sort of recognition of identity which is typical of our own culture.
Theology Edit Holistic concepts are strongly represented within the thoughts expressed within Logos (per Heraclitus), Panentheism and Pantheism.
In theological anthropology, which belongs to theology and not to anthropology, holism is the belief that body, soul and spirit are not separate components of a person, but rather facets of a united whole.
See also Edit
Antireductionism Antiscience Atomism Emergentism G. E. Moore § Organic wholes Gaia hypothesis Holarchy Holism in ecological anthropology Holon (philosophy) Interdisciplinarity Organicism Organismic theory Panarchy Polytely Synergetics (Fuller) Synergy Systems theory The Story of 'the Blind Man and the Lame' Writers: Christopher Alexander Buckminster Fuller Arthur Koestler Howard T. Odum Allan Savory Eric Scerri Herbert A. Simon Victor Skumin Ken Wilber Notes Edit
^ Oshry, Barry (2008), Seeing Systems: Unlocking the Mysteries of Organizational Life, Berrett-Koehler. ^ Auyang, Sunny Y (1999), Foundations of Complex-system Theories: in Economics, Evolutionary Biology, and Statistical Physics, Cambridge University Press. ^ a b c d e f g h i j k l m n Smuts, Jan Christiaan (1927). Holism and Evolution 2nd Edition. Macmillian and Co. ^ The first publication of Holism and Evolution was by MacMilian and Co. in 1926. Smuts published a 2nd edition in 1927 and there have been at least three subsequent reprints; Compass/Viking Press 1961, Greenwood Press 1973, Sierra Sunrise Books 1999 (a version edited by Sanford Holst). The full text of the 1927 2nd edition is available on the Internet Archive site and this is the source used in updating the Holism page ^ Holism, The Basics of Philosophy ^ Bohm, D. (1980). Wholeness and the Implicate Order. London: Routledge. ISBN 0-7100-0971-2 ^ Robert Stern, Hegel, Kant and the Structure of the Object, London: Routledge Chapman Hall, 1990 (full text download) Archived 2016-05-20 at the Portuguese Web Archive ^ Charles Huenemann, Interpreting Spinoza: Critical Essays, Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2008, p. 41 ^ Eccy De Jonge, Spinoza and Deep Ecology: Challenging Traditional Approaches to Environmentalism, UK: Ashgate Publishing, 2003, p. 65 ^ von Bertalanffy 1971, p. 54. ^ Reconnecting with John Muir By Terry Gifford, University of Georgia, 2006 ^ Julian Tudor Hart (2010) The Political Economy of Health Care pp.106, 258 ^ a b Lipowski, 1977.[page needed][need quotation to verify] ^ 'Does Broca's area exist?': Christofredo Jakob's 1906 response to Pierre Marie's holistic stance. Kyrana Tsapkini, Ana B. Vivas, Lazaros C. Triarhou. Brain and Language, Volume 105, Issue 3, June 2008, Pages 211-219 doi:10.1016/j.bandl.2007.07.124 ^ Holm, Ivar (2006). Ideas and Beliefs in Architecture: How attitudes, orientations, and underlying assumptions shape the built environment. Oslo School of Architecture and Design. ISBN 82-547-0174-1. ^ Rubrics (Authentic Assessment Toolbox) "So, when might you use a holistic rubric? Holistic rubrics tend to be used when a quick or gross judgment needs to be made"  ^ (Simon & Schuster, 2002) ^ Shore, Bradd (1999), "Strange Fate of Holism", Anthropology News, 40 (9): 4–5, doi:10.1111/an.19126.96.36.199. ^ Clifford, James; Hodder, Ian; Lederman, Rena; Silverstein, Michael (2005), Segal, Daniel A; Yanagisako, eds., Unwrapping the Sacred Bundle: Reflections on the Disciplining of Anthropology, Duke University Press ^ anthrobase definition of holism ^ Louis Dumont, 1984 ^ Anne Bihan, "The Writer, a Man Without Qualities", Literature and Identity in New Caledonia. ^ Susan Rasmussen, "Personahood, Self, Difference, and Dialogue (Commentary on Chaudhary)", International Journal for Dialogical Science, Fall 2008, Vol. 3, No. 1, 31-54. ^ "The traditional anthropology encounters major problems in the Bible and its predominantly holistic view of human beings. Genesis 2:7 is a key verse: 'Then the LORD God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being' (NRSV). The 'living being' (traditionally, 'living soul') is an attempt to translate the Hebrew nephesh hayah, which indicates a 'living person' in the context. More than one interpreter has pointed out that this text does not say that the human being has a soul but rather is a soul. H. Wheeler Robinson summarized the matter in his statement that 'The Hebrew conceived man as animated body and not as an incarnate soul.'" (Martin E. Tate, "The Comprehensive Nature of Salvation in Biblical Perspective," Evangelical review of theology, Vol. 23.) References Edit
von Bertalanffy, Ludwig (1971) , General System Theory. Foundations Development Applications, Allen Lane. Bohm, D. (1980) Wholeness and the Implicate Order. London: Routledge. ISBN 0-7100-0971-2 Leenhardt, M. 1947 Do Kamo. La personne et le mythe dans le monde mélanésien. Gallimard. Paris. Lipowski, Z.J. "Psychosomatic medicine in seventies". Am. J. Psychiatry. 134 (3): 233–244. Jan C. Smuts, 1926 Holism and Evolution MacMillan, Compass/Viking Press 1961 reprint: ISBN 0-598-63750-8, Greenwood Press 1973 reprint: ISBN 0-8371-6556-3, Sierra Sunrise 1999 (mildly edited): ISBN 1-887263-14-4 Bob Young.Holism, 2016. www.holism2018.wordpress.com Further reading Edit
Descombes, Vincent, The Institutions of Meaning: A Defense of Anthropological Holism. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. 2014. Dusek, Val, The Holistic Inspirations of Physics: An Underground History of Electromagnetic Theory Rutgers University Press, Brunswick NJ, 1999. Fodor, Jerry, and Ernst Lepore, Holism: A Shopper's Guide Wiley. New York. 1992 Hayek, F.A. von. The Counter-Revolution of Science. Studies on the abuse of reason. Free Press. New York. 1957. Mandelbaum, M. Societal Facts in Gardner 1959. Phillips, D.C. Holistic Thought in Social Science. Stanford University Press. Stanford. 1976. Dreyfus, H.L. "Holism and Hermeneutics". The Review of Metaphysics. 34: 3–23. James, S. The Content of Social Explanation. Cambridge University Press. Cambridge, 1984. Harrington, A. Reenchanted Science: Holism in German Culture from Wilhelm II to Hitler. Princeton University Press. 1996. Lopez, F. Il pensiero olistico di Ippocrate, vol. I-IIA, Ed. Pubblisfera, Cosenza Italy 2004-2008. Robert Stern, Hegel, Kant and the Structure of the Object, London: Routledge Chapman Hall, 1990 Sen, R. K., Aesthetic Enjoyment: Its Background in Philosophy and Medicine, Calcutta: University of Calcutta, 1966 External links Edit
Look up holism in Wiktionary, the free dictionary. Wikiquote has quotations related to: HolismMedia related to Holism at Wikimedia Commons Brief explanation of Koestler's derivation of "holon" Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy article: "Holism and Nonseparability in Physics" James Schombert of University of Oregon Physics Dept on quantum holism Theory of sociological holism from "World of Wholeness"
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As you might have read in the beginning, I am Portuguese - and like a lot of other people around here, I was raised in a deeply conservative and staunchly devout Roman Catholic family.
I feel I am different since I was 14 years old, when I started to understand something was not the same as other kids... to be more precise, I did not look at other girls - rather, I found that boys were indeed attractive. But with my background, all I could think of was the supernatural consequences of what would happen to me if I fell in love with another guy - or even how I would be perceived by the rest of the people which composed (and still compose) my social groups.
My most obvious choice was turning to the internet to realize my "fantasies" - considering that I was totally trapped in my real life. As a teenager growing up, mixed with internet... you can imagine what I'd be there doing (like any growing teenager does, I guess). One day, my mother has "the talk" with me - for I was being monitored by my brother (older sibling - who was looking for the history browser... and yes, I'm a tech-dumb-guy). "The talk", like I call it, was 1 hour of incessant (and in my honest point of view, stupid) questions about my sexuality. "If I had been raped". "If I had been "recruited"". "I'll be going to hell. Gays have a very long and lonely - and sad - life". Look, honestly, I do understand her concern - and her love for me. But to this day, I still believe that I did not need judgment - but that moment required understanding. Even if I was the father in that situation, I believe that understanding her child would have gone a long way. And I can't change the fact I'm a homossexual. I simply can't. Not when I was 14 - and not now. I can't get attracted to women, for more effort I would put to it (and believe me... I tried). It's like a block between me and a woman. I guess the same way a heterossexual man would feel about another man.
Anyways, on highschool, I was a very quiet kid - with just a couple of friends. I was always like that - with reduced social circles, and very introverted. Did everything by the book, so to speak. But in regards to my own sexuality... I kept on looking at guys, but never considered myself a homossexual. I didn't even want to hear that word. It's like I wanted to escape from my own life. Be someone else... I can't explain it better than this.
I kept growing up, masking myself. Hiding myself. One would think that I could be a great actor, in the stage of my own life. I remember that song from the Phantom of the Opera... and I always felt it fitted me like a glove: "Masquerade, paper faces on parade. Masquerade - hide your face so the world will never find you". Or that quote from old Fritz, the King of Prussia, who once said: "I am like a mirror, I reflect everything people want to see". And that is no way of living... for you are living each one's life and perception. Not the real you. And don't get mad while reading this... for I am not that smart - and my choices reflect it perfectly. Like when you get mad at a character in a book/ movie, when they pick the wrong choices.
Out of highschool, and into college, I lost my best-friend (we had been friends for 6 years - and he was a huge inconditional support for me). I strongly believe he knew about my homossexuality, but he never touched the subject: knowing as well that I was too unconfortable with it (I do believe he did know, because of some conversations we had, which he hinted at it... but I always "ran" from the issue). Turns out he was struggling with a long-time depression, and ended up committing suicide. It felt like another nail in my coffin, to be honest. I kept the boat afloat, despite feeling really, really down and depressed - and I'm a very reserved guy when it comes to feelings, but I was literally crying at all times... but I kept on going.
In college, I never "tried anything" (even here in Portugal, it's rather common to have some experiences: sexual intercourse, alcohol, or even drugs). I met this guy, who has been a friend of mine now for almost 3 years - and I had the unfortunate mishappening of falling in love with him. I find him interesting and intelligent (which is what appeals the most to me in a man), well-mannered, funny and attractive. I have never felt this for anyone. I go even further... and tell you that he is the one. But I really got everything screwed up - and could never be man enough to come up to him and express to him how I feel. Now? I can't do that. We're friends... and he has a girlfriend - and like other young guys with their friends... he keeps telling me how much in love he is; how his sexual adventures with her happen from time to time. And at each and every moment he describes... I die a little more. My heart keeps getting torn apart. I try to get away from him, but I simply can't. I can't stop thinking about him - and it's been 2 miserable years (plus 1 year of friendship... but I was not immediately in love when I met him). By God... so many wrong turns in one's life... you'd think that I would have learned about it by now - but no. I keep getting it really wrong and messed up.
Before... I wanted to fall in love. It was something I saw in movies, read in books. Knew it on theory. But I guess that was the kid in me... that keeps shouting, deep inside of me, to my adult part. The kid was and is afraid... while the adult no longer cares about the pain. Well... I shouldn't care anyways - for I am the only one to blame, really. Around last year, I started contemplating coming to terms with my own life. Literally - suicide. And this darker part of me gets me deeply concerned - and scared of myself - and what I could end up doing if I ever should lose my wits.
I ended up graduating... and I'm looking for a job right now. Things around here are really bad (our economy, I mean - high unemployment). The majority of my colleagues emigrated to other European countries (United Kingdom, Finland, Belgium or France) looking for better opportunities - and I too, am contemplating emigrating as well. The other half of my class is either unemployed or working as a supermarket cashier.
Now... more than ever, I feel that this boat can't go on any further. I'm getting really depressed. I want to work - be useful to society and my country. To have a life for myself. I want to forget this guy I fell in love with... I feel I need a fresh start - a new chance. To be just a little bit happy. To have someone who truly cares about me. Someone I can love, and be loved in return.
I'm sorry for bothering you all with this issue. This was the only place I could think of in this dire moment. And I thank you for all your patience, if you read it this far. It's already a wonderful support to me if you did.